This, That, and the Other

I am unofficially participating in this year’s A to Z Challenge. My theme this year is girlfriends.

U is for Ursala

If, when you hear the name “Ursula,” you envision actress Ursula Andress from the 1962 James Bond movie, “Dr. No,” then wipe your mind clean. The Ursula I’m talking about is not even close.

I was at Ft. Dix in New Jersey for my two-week Army Reserves summer camp. Two other guys in my unit and I were at a bar and grill just outside of the base. We had gone there to wind down at the end of the day. We’d ordered some food and a round of draught beers and were getting ready to order a second round when the waitress came over with another round. “The lady sitting at the table over there,” the waitress said, pointing to a woman on the other side of the room, “her name is Ursula and she says this round is on her.”

The three of us looked over at the woman the waitress had pointed out. She was grossly obese. We each held up our full mugs and smiled at her. Then we huddled together and marveled at how fat she was. Then the guy sitting across from me said, “Heads up, she’s coming over.”

A minute later this huge girl — she had to weigh at least 300 pounds — sat down, introduced herself as Ursula, and began talking to us about how fat she was. She told us she was a member of the National Association for the Advancement of Fat People. Then she asked if any of us had sex with a fat woman, and said, “There’s an old saying: once you go fat, you never go back. Why don’t we all go back to my place and I’ll show you why?”

One of the guys told Ursula the he was married. The other said he was engaged. Ursula looked at me and I told her I was single, and upon hearing that she moved her chair next to mine, put her fat hand between my legs, and started rubbing and squeezing me. “How about you, soldier?” she asked, containing to rub me. “I’ll get you back to base in time to make roll call in the morning.”

The other two guys were encouraging me to go with her and I was giving it some serious thought. I’d never been with a really fat girl and I was trying to visualize in my mind’s eye what it would be like.

I was on the verge of saying yes, just for the experience of having sex with a morbidly obese woman, when a big fight involving half a dozen soldiers broke out on the other side of the bar. The guys I was with stood up and said they were leaving and if I wanted a ride back to the base, I’d need to leave with them. I looked at Ursula, shrugged my shoulders, and thanked her for the beers, and then quickly followed the other two guys out to the car.

I guess.on that night, I was saved by the brawl.

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