Weekend Quickie — April ‘22 #3

In what is now a weekly prompt, Rory has a new batch of Weekend Quickie questions for us to ponder.

When was the last time you had a quickie on the weekend, and what was it?

Today. Writing this post.

Why is chocolate more appealing than … what?

Chocolate is more appealing than almost anything else. Why? Because it’s chocolate.

Can you use the word ‘Debauchery’ innocently in a sentence, and if so, how?

Is ‘debauchery’ spelled with one b or two?

How do you remove grass stains from your knees?

If you wear long pants, the grass stains get on your pants, not on your knees, so problem solved.

Why is it ill-advised to jog uphill backwards blindfolded with your hands above your head?

Based upon my personal experience, it’s ill-advised because your neighbors will likely call the police when they see you jogging uphill backwards blindfolded with your hands above your head.

What is the best way to deliver bad news?

Fast and direct, like ripping off a bandage.

Do you have a scary mind and if so how so?

I don’t think of my mind as scary, unless you consider a brilliant mind to be scary. 🙄

How much sleep do you get each day, and do you wake refreshed? If yes, why do you think you do, and if not, why do you think you don’t?

Six or seven hours a night. I usually wake up feeling refreshed if those six or seven hours are uninterrupted.

Tree, Bee, Tee all rhyme with me, so what fruit am I?

I dunno. A lychee, maybe?

Can you list five injuries you could encounter while out in the garden please?

Green thumb, grass-stained knee, bee sting, fire ant bite, gopher hole toe.

Bonus Question
Who said, “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.” And who were they talking to?

Ooh, I know this! It’s Leslie Nielson (as Dr. Rumack) talking to Robert Hays (as Ted Striker) in the movie “Airplane!”

Weekend Quickie — April ‘22 #2

In what is now a weekly prompt, Rory has a new batch of Weekend Quickie questions for us to ponder.

Name one sport that is already dangerous but would be lethal if you were naked?

Wrestling? Maybe not lethal, but it might get kind of interesting depending upon what holds are or are not barred.

If l had three bananas in my right pocket and 17 grapes in my left pocket what would l have in my back pocket?

A can of whipped cream.

How many animals were aboard Noah’s Ark?

Two of each kind. And if you believe that, I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn I’d like to sell you.

What is the second largest organ in your body and could you live without it?

I wouldn’t want to live without any organ in my body, but it seems that most Republicans in the United States have opted to live without their brains.

What is the most reckless thing you have ever done as an adult?

My then-future wife and I took a motorcycle camping trip across the country on a Kawasaki KZ 400. If you know anything about motorcycles, you’d know that that is not a proper touring bike for such a trip.

I came, I saw and I didn’t …. [what?]

do that!

What are 5 ways to keep warm when lost outside in a snowstorm with a stranger?

First, kill the stranger. Then slice him wide open, remove all the guts and vital organs, and crawl inside his carcass in order to stay warm until rescued. Hence, #2-5 would no longer be applicable.

How does your mind work – what am I talking about if these words are used – Melons, Jugs, bubbles, and orbs?

Strippers’ names. Duh!

Which language are these words and terms from? – ankle biter, strewth, bludger, sunnies barbie, nuddy, furphy, and woop woop?

Oompa-Loompan.

Do you prefer to ring my bell, push the button, knock on wood, or walk on by and why did you select your choice?

I’d walk on by. I don’t like to bother people unless I’m specifically invited.

Bonus Question
Who said, “It’s just a flesh wound?” And who were they talking to?

Ooh, I know this! It’s the Black Knight from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.”

Weekend Quickie — April ‘22 #1

In what is now a weekly prompt, Rory has a new batch of Weekend Quickie questions for us to ponder.

How effective are willy warmers for keeping the chill out?

Not effective at all. Due to a phenomenon known as “shrinkage,” when a willy gets chilly, it tends to get smaller, as if attempting to recede back into the body for warmth. Thus, willy warmers fall off the willy when it’s chilly. That’s science, man.

Have you ever ignited a bottom breeze?

What adolescent male hasn’t ignited a fart at least once in his life? As The Rolling Stones once sang, “It’s a gas, gas, gas.”

If you had to have one hand tied behind your back for one day a week for the rest of your life which one would it be and why?

My left hand. It’s close to useless.

How many cabbage leaves does it take to turn on the average human?

Say what? Cabbage leaves are a turn on? Who knew?

How old is too old and what is too old anyway?

I’ll let you know when I get there.

Are you a bubble wrapper popper?

I used to be, but it frightens my dog and annoys my wife, so not anymore.

Is it legal to paint a tree in the wild?

I don’t think I’ve ever heard or read of any laws saying that it’s illegal to paint a tree in the wild, but at my age, I rarely go in the wild anymore, so who knows?

Why is the color red used to describe love and passion?

Because red provokes the strongest emotions of any color. It is considered the warmest of the colors and, being linked to passion and love as well as power and anger, it has more emotional associations than any other color. That’s why all of my willy warmers are red.

How many banned books have you ever read and what were they?

I don’t know if it was actually banned, but I remember as a young teenager getting my hands on a book called The Story of O, which was a French erotic novel (the copy I had was translated to English). All I remember is that it was about a woman named O who was into oral sex.

What is the most unusual drink you have ever drunk when sober?

When I lived in Texas, the non-alcoholic beverage of choice seemed to be Dr Pepper. It wasn’t at all unusual in Texas, but it was (and I assume, still is) awful.

Bonus Question
Who said, “Oh man, what are you doing with a gun in space?” And who were they talking to?

I was going to say that it was one of the lyrics in the song “Space Cowboy” from the Steve Miller band, but then I Googled the lyrics and it’s not in there.

Weekend Quickie — March ‘22 #4

In what is now a weekly prompt, Rory has a new batch of Weekend Quickie questions for us to ponder.

Is political correctness too politically correct?

I can’t answer this question without possibly causing great offense to some segment of my readers who might not like my answer, so rather than offer a definitive response, I think I’ll just equivocate by saying either “maybe” or “maybe not.”

What are you good at?

Equivocating.

How did you learn to deep kiss? [which is different to pecking]

The girl who lived across the street from me when I was a teenager came over to my house one day when I was about 13 and asked me if I knew how to “French kiss.” I had no idea what it was (those days in the late 50s, teens were pretty innocent compared with today’s teens). She explained that it was kissing with mouths slightly open and with tongue action. She then asked me if I’d like to try French kissing with her. Why not, right? So we did try French kissing and we both liked it. We became, well, very close neighbors and practiced our newfound manner of kissing rather frequently after that.

When was the last time you took an unexpected turn and where did it take you?

When, two weeks ago, my wife and I adopted a rescue dog. I certainly never expected us to take that turn.

What are the benefits to having a purple front door?

Having a purple door will cause your neighbors and door-to-door solicitors to wonder what you were thinking when you painted your door that color, and they will avoid disturbing you because of concern that you’re not right in your head. (No offense meant towards anyone who has a purple door. I’d hate for this response to be considered politically incorrect.)

What patterns don’t mix, and why not, or can you mix anything and get away with it with ease?

I dunno. I’ve heard somewhere that stripes and plaids don’t mix, but most of what I wear are solid colors, so I really don’t care.

BDSM stands for what?

Big deal says me.

How do you know that you are smiling right when you are smiling?

Oops, silly me. I didn’t know that there was a right way to smile and a wrong way to smile. Now you have me worried, Rory. I’m going to go tell my wife I want to paint our front door purple, smile at her, and ask her if I’m smiling right or smiling wrong. I’ll let you know what she says.

When was the last time you hung a picture and what was it of?

A few weeks ago our son gave us a framed picture of our now five-month-old granddaughter that had her birth picture in the middle and her footprint on one side and her handprint on the other. We hung it next to a similar picture of our now 22-month old grandson.

You have two choices, the blue or the red pill. Which one do you take and why?

Either color, just as long as they are not the ones that mother gives you, which don’t do anything at all.

Bonus Question
Who said “If I swore you were an angel, would you treat me like the devil tonight?” and who were they talking to?

Donald Trump said this to Stormy Daniels, the porn star with whom he had an affair while his third wife was pregnant with his fifth child. She complied and spanked him hard with an issue of Forbes magazine.

Weekend Quickie — March ‘22 #3

In what is now a weekly prompt, Rory has a new batch of Weekend Quickie questions for us to ponder.

Why is the sea salty?

Because all of the swimmers and sailors who have urinated in it throughout human history.

How smart do you think you are on a scale between 01 – 10?

Smarter than the average bear, Boo Boo.

How many leaves does the average tree have, and how do you know this?

In the winter, none. I know this because I have to rake all of those goddam leaves up in the autumn when they fall from the trees.

Does today’s fashion inspire you, or do you do you?

I do me.

Taking your size into consideration, on a clear night, how far are you from the moon’s surface?

The same distance I am on a cloudy night.

How would you describe a banana to someone who had never seen one, eaten one, or even heard of one over the phone?

Delicious and it goes great sliced up on a bowl of cold cereal.

Can you spell it?

Yes, the first letter is 👁 and the second letter is 🫖.

Why did six cry?

Because seven ate nine.

What would you rather ….

  • Swim in shark-infested waters with a cut on your toe …
  • Hang glide above an active volcano wearing just underwear …
  • Dance naked in a fire ants nest …
  • Be shot from a cannon with only a birthday bow in your hair…
  • … and more importantly, why did you pick your option?

I’d rather hand glide naked with only a birthday bow in my hair and with a cut on my toe above a nest of fire ants near the base of a volcano. Why? Don’t ask why, Rory. Instead, ask why not.

What is a slow, comfortable screw, and when was the last time you had one or have you not?

A slow comfortable screw is a mixed drink made with sloe gin, Southern Comfort, vodka, and orange juice. Some recipes also call for rum. I have never had a slow comfortable screw but I did have an interesting experience with a sloe gin fizz. If you’re interested, I wrote about it here.

Bonus Question
Would you eventually fall out of the earth when you hit bottom if you dug a hole and kept on tunnelling down?

No, I’d eventually burn up once I reached the molten core of the planet.