Humor

I’m Having a Lot of Trouble Today

Fandango9 Comments

I don’t know why I’m having so much trouble with today’s one-word prompt, “haul.” But for some reason, my mind is blank.

Maybe it’s because I’m tired. After all, I had to haul my sleepy ass out of bed at 6:00 yesterday morning so I could get to the DMV to take the written test to renew my driver’s license. I wanted to get there super early in order to avoid the inevitable long lines. But once there I learned that there was a glitch in the system and I could either wait for an indeterminate amount of time for the glitch to be fixed or come back another day. I chose the latter.

Or I could write the story about when I told my girlfriend back in the day that I had just scored some tickets to see Hall & Oates.

27D0ACE1-018E-4675-8B1A-9996DED0FD64.jpegBut instead of being as excited as I was, she gave me a weird look and said, “Why in the world would you think I’d want to see someone haulin’ oats?” I swear I’m not making that up.

Alternatively I could have explained how my best friend’s favorite expression when we were teenagers was to say we needed to haul ass whenever we were headed out to do something.

And then there’s the expression I sometimes used to say to my wife when she’d come home from a day at the mall with her lady friends. She’d walk into the house with an armload of full shopping bags and I’d typically say something like, “Quite a haul you got there.”

Or I could have told a tale about the summer I spent working for a brick mason. He was supposed to teach me the art of brick masonry, but instead I spent the summer loading a wheelbarrow full of bricks and hauling them over to where he was brick masoning.

But honestly, I got nothing today. So I think I’ll skip today’s one-word prompt. I’ll just haul my ass outta here and do something productive, like take another practice written test for my next trip to the DMV.

One-Liner Wednesday — Sanity Clause

Fandango3 Comments

7FA53211-AD1D-4A99-8258-986C3C29A113“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You can’t fool me. There ain’t no Sanity Clause!”

That line came from the classic and hilarious 1935 Marx Brothers movie, “A Night at the Opera.”

It’s a typical Marx Brothers movie about a silly business manager, Otis P. Driftwood, played by Grouch Marx, and his two wacky pals, Fiorello and Tomasso, played by Chico and Harpo Marx, respectively. They are friends of two opera singers who help them achieve success while humiliating their stuffy and snobbish enemies.

There is one scene, quite possibly my favorite in the whole movie, in which Driftwood (Groucho) attempts to explain the intricacies of a business contract to Fiorello (Chico). The dialogue goes like this:

Fiorello: Hey, wait, wait. What does this say here, this thing here?

Driftwood: Oh, that? Oh, that’s the usual clause that’s in every contract. That just says, uh, it says, uh, if any of the parties participating in this contract are shown not to be in their right mind, the entire agreement is automatically nullified.

Fiorello: Well, I don’t know…

Driftwood: It’s all right. That’s, that’s in every contract. That’s, that’s what they call a sanity clause.

Fiorello: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You can’t fool me. There ain’t no Sanity Clause!

And, for your viewing pleasure, here is a video clip of that scene.

Written for today’s One-Liner Wednesday prompt from Linda G. Hill.

Three Day Quote Challenge — Day 3

Fandango5 Comments

7D67223E-3E27-4375-99F8-71AE36CB259AThis is Day 3 of the Three Day Quote Challenge that Kat Myrman tagged me for. Here are my Day 1 and Day 2 posts just in case you missed them.

For Day 3, I’m moving away from the political theme of my first two posts for this challenge. Instead, I’m going to quote Groucho Marx, one of the most brilliant comedic minds of the 20th century, if not of all time.

Marx was the master of the wise crack. His genius was his ability to twist grammar and capitalize on the double entendre of the English language. As a listener, you had to pay attention or you might miss one of his throw-away lines. You never saw it coming.

Since it is Day 3, I’ve selected three of my favorite quips from Groucho, all of which typify his wit.

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.”

“Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?”

I hope you enjoyed these three quotes from Groucho. I know that they crack me up every time I hear them.

Either Way

Fandango10 Comments

D6C24017-E5D3-41DD-87C6-95412B07D8CCHow do you pronounce the word “either”? Do you use the hard ē, as in ee-ther, or the hard ī as in eye-ther?

And what about “neither”? Rhymes with nee-ther? Or nigh-ther?

I was raised to pronounce both words with the hard ē sound, and that’s how I still pronounce them: ee-ther and nee-ther.

The reason I’m asking is because I’ve noticed lately that a lot of people who use either of those words, particularly on some TV shows that I watch, are pronouncing them using the hard ī, saying “eye-ther” or “nigh-ther.”

I Googled the pronunciation of both words and found out that, whichever way someone chooses to pronounce these words, they shouldn’t have trouble being understood. Both pronunciations are correct. However, the way people say these words depends on their upbringing, their region and their preference. It seems that the British are more likely to use eye-ther as the pronunciation, and the Americans use ee-ther.”

I think there are two possible explanations for why I’m hearing the hard ī pronunciation more frequently than the hard ē pronunciation.

First, a lot of actors on American TV shows are actually British, Canadian, or Australian (or even New Zealanders), who are playing Americans but use the British way of saying either or neither.

Second, every American seems to think that speaking with a British accent makes the person talking sound more refined and intelligent than their American counterparts.

Or maybe there’s a third reason. It’s me. Maybe I’m the one who is saying these words wrong.

So are you a hard ē or a hard ī person?

One-Liner Wednesday — Turning Blue

Fandango5 Comments

5F48C5FC-A164-408D-B9BF-471BDDCD819B“Congressional districts are like body parts. When they turn blue, you know something is terribly wrong.”

Jordan Klepper, Host of “The Opposition” on Comedy Central

Jordan Klepper is an American comedian, producer, actor, and television host. He is best known for being an on-air correspondent on “The Daily Show” and, more recently, as the host the satirical Comedy Central program “The Opposition with Jordan Klepper.” He’s actually a very funny guy and it’s a very funny show.

The show is intended to satirize the alt-right media such as InfoWars, Breitbart, Rush Limbaugh, and even Fox News. Klepper portrays an over-the-top Alex Jones type of character in much the same way as Stephen Colbert depicted a conservative pundit on “The Colbert Report” before he left Comedy Central to take over from David Letterman on “The Late Show” on CBS in September 2015.

The quote at the top of this post is obviously a tongue-in-cheek, comedic statement mocking the fears of conservative Republicans that there will be a “blue wave” at the upcoming midterm elections in November.

Go big blue!

Written for this week’s One-Liner Wednesday prompt from Linda G. Hill.