Humor

Nothing is Too Whack Anymore

Fandango21 Comments

Another one of Rory’s series of questions. This one he calls “Just Whack” because the questions are all pretty whacky. I decided that being whacky is just the distraction I need today. So here goes….

Q1] Given the choice of shaving your eyebrows off or going bald which will you choose?

That choice has already been made for me and I still have my eyebrows.

Q2] French Mustard or Mustard — which one and why?

What is “French” mustard? Do you mean Grey Poupon? Or French’s yellow mustard? I prefer Gulden’s spicy brown mustard.D0218624-635A-4B4E-B623-8F826F027E72

Q3] Two minutes to evacuate the house forever, what will you take?

My dog, my cat, and my iPhone.

Q4] What’s a saying you say a lot?

“Not to worry,” although these are dark days in Trumpistan, so I am tempted to stop saying that.

PQ5] You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

“Quick, find me a WiFi hotspot!”

Q6] You awaken during the night to find your bedroom filled with flesh eating triffids that respond to both movement and heat, what do you do?

Google “triffids,” as I have no idea what they are.

PQ7] The Walking Dead was fantasy, however you have awoken this morning to find the world is shot to hell and the undead are walking the streets. Are you prepared? If so explain your first day of survival.

I woke up on November 9, 2016 to a world that was shot to hell, only it’s the unhinged, rather than the undead, who are walking the streets. I think I’d welcome the zombie apocalypse at this point.92AD5EA1-AFE0-4E97-85CB-7292A2A1320F.jpeg

Q8] When was the last time you literally stopped to smell the coffee and why?

This morning when I walked into the kitchen and my wife poured me a cup of coffee. Why? Because she poured me a cup and it smelled so damn good.

Q9] What is your favorite combination of colors and why?

Blues and browns.

Q10] A man walks up to you and says he’s going to transform you into the animal of your choice and there’s nothing you can do about it. Which animal do you choose?

A vampire bat, just in time for Halloween. And to drain the asshole who did this to me of all of his blood!

Q11] When does the week actually start for you, Saturday, Sunday or Monday and why?

I’m retired, so does it matter?

PQ12] Why do we believe in the things we believe in?

Who is this “we” you’re referring to? And, as an atheist, I probably don’t believe in the same things “we” believe in.

Q13]  Oh dear – the choices open to you before you can proceed are :

1] Eat a tub load of fish guts
2] Eat a basket of 300 day old chicken eggs
3] Eat a fast acting laxative

Which will you choose and why?

This is easy. A fast acting laxative, because if it is, indeed, fast acting, it will literally pass quickly.

Q14] If you were a snake how long would you be?

Six feet, so I’d be as long a snake as I am tall as a man.

PQ15] If you were a box of cereal, what would you be and why?

Total. It’s got 100% of 12 essential vitamins and minerals.9F8BE6CD-DF3D-470A-8F26-AAB628C4CA6C

Q16] What would you rather be: a bee or a wasp?

Wasn’t this a Simon & Garfunkel song? Oh wait. That was a hammer and a nail.

Q17] Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

Duh!

Q18] Give me 7 unique features about WordPress that would encourage a novice to start blogging.

  1. Easy to use
  2. Lots of free themes
  3. Free, unless you want to upgrade to a paid plan
  4. Smartphone friendly
  5. The WordPress community
  6. The WordPress community
  7. The WordPress community

Q19] How do you think the next person who answers this question is going to answer this question?

Probably better than I did.

PQ20] Are you deleting any questions, if so which ones?

Nope.

Q21] What strange question are you going to ask me that l have to answer?

Why, Rory? Just why?

Petticoats and Junctions

Fandango11 Comments

My wife and I were walking our dog in the park yesterday and we passed a woman wearing a skirt that flared out from her waist down to just below her knees. “That’s weird,” I said to my wife. “How does she get her skirt to stand out like that?”

“She probably has a petticoat on underneath her skirt,” my wife said.

“What’s a petticoat?” I asked, at which point my wife explained that a petticoat is a slip-like undergarment that women used to wear under their skirts to give them shape and fluff.

And then I had a flashback to the 1950s when I was a very young lad with two older sisters, one of whom used to dress like this for school.6A4A4AE0-54F4-4072-8CE0-72FF7283CA35 Yes, she would often wear a cashmere sweater or a cotton blouse, a poodle skirt, along with bobby socks and saddle shoes. And, in order for her poodle skirt to have just the right amount of flare, she no doubt wore a petticoat beneath her poodle skirt. Yikes!

Junction Function

On an entirely different topic, the city in which I live is installing a number of small traffic circles — or as we used to call them in the northeast, “roundabouts” — at a handful of smaller intersections in our area.7612AA75-73AE-41BA-8B50-A2B94BE90F21I’m not sure there’s a pressing need for these traffic circles, but that isn’t stopping my city tax dollars from funding them. The real problem with these traffic circles, however, is that they are a rarity in Northern California and no one has bothered to explain to the locals how traffic circles are supposed to work.

If you’re from back east — or anywhere where traffic circles are common — then you know the rules. When entering a traffic circle, you’re supposed to yield the right of way to vehicles that are already in the traffic circle. But California drivers don’t know that rule. Sadly, that puts the lives of those of us who do know that rule at serious risk.

So, my friends, if you’re driving in California and you happen upon a traffic circle, stop your car, turn around, and go back the way you came. Otherwise, you’re bound to get broadsided by a California driver who considers a traffic circle to be a bumper car ride.

One-Liner Wednesday — The Master of the Understatement

Fandango6 Comments

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“This might come as news to you, but sometimes he makes things up.”

Jake Trapper to Stephen Colbert

Jake Tapper is an American journalist and author, Chief Washington Correspondent for CNN, anchor of the CNN weekday television news show “The Lead with Jake Tapper,” and anchor of the CNN Sunday morning political affairs program “State of the Union.”

Stephen Colbert is an American comedian, writer, producer, actor, and television host. He is best known for hosting the satirical Comedy Central program “The Colbert Report” and the CBS talk program “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.”

The quote at the top of this post is something Jake Tapper said to Stephen Colbert a few nights ago on “The Late Show.” Of course, the “he” Tapper was referring to was Donald Trump.

I said to my wife as we were watching the show, “Jake Tapper is the master of the understatement.”

Written for Linda G. Hill’s One-Liner Wednesday prompt.

No Regrets

Fandango7 Comments

6BA29186-5B9D-4F7E-AE82-B82532CEE4AA

Right before I went to bed last night I read a post in my Reader by a blogger named Tim Willow who posts on a blog called The Rebel Fish. The post to which I am referring is a witty little yarn that asks the age-old question, “You Sold Your Soul Yet?” Of course, I was in bed, barely able to keep my eyes open, when I read it. So who knows how witty it really was?

Anyway, there was one line in Tim’s post that I thought expressed incredibly profundity. In fact, I thought his line was so profound that I’m going to steal it and post it right here, right now.

“Apart from the things I have done and haven’t done — I have no regrets.”

By the way, I did tell Tim in a comment I left on his post that I was going to steal that line from him. I’m telling you this so that you know that, despite my stealing his very profound line, it’s Tim, not me, who has sold his soul to the devil. Or so he claims, anyway. Thus, my conscience is clear. I have no regrets.

One-Liner Wednesday — Not That Clever

Fandango18 Comments

“My brain sometimes has a mind of its own.”

The other day, on one of my posts, someone made a comment to which I replied, “My brain sometimes has a mind of its own.”

After I wrote that comment, I said to myself, “Self, what a clever thing to have said. I think I’ll use that for the next One-Liner Wednesday prompt from Linda G. Hill.”

But then I thought that as clever as I like to think I am, I may not be clever enough to have come up with a clever quote like that, one that no one else has ever said. So I Googled it, just to see if anyone else is as clever as I am.

The good news is that I could not find a single instance where someone previously used the line, “My brain sometimes has a mind of its own.”

The bad news is that I found a shitload of others who have used the line, “My brain has a mind of its own.”

There’s even a t-shirt with that quote embossed on it, although whoever made this t-shirt needs to learn when to use “its” and when to use “it’s.”935C5958-F9FC-41D1-B1AF-E7B25F5E0DBBSo did you catch the subtle difference between my unique quote and the overused, plebeian one?

“My brain sometimes has a mind of its own.”
“My brain sometimes has a mind of its own.”

Oh well. It seemed to me that I had written something very clever, but it turns out that I hadn’t.

That said, the other night while walking my dog, a small raccoon ran out onto the sidewalk from between two buildings. It’s not that uncommon for me to see a number of raccoons as my dog and I walk past the park at night. They are mostly hanging out near trash cans, but when my dog and I approach, they scurry up into the branches of the closest tree.

But this little fella saw me and my dog, froze, and started talking to us. I’d never heard a raccoon talking before. It makes a sort of chittering sound. I was fascinated, but after a few seconds, my dog had had enough and chased the raccoon up a tree.

But, if like me, you have never heard the sound a raccoon makes, take a look at this. You’re welcome.