Boys Will Be Boys

When I was in college, me and my fraternity brothers were a crude bunch. For example, we would drop our pants, bend over, and let out enough gas to light our farts. We thought it was great fun to see who could generate the largest flame shooting from their butthole.

The fun ended, though, when poor Tony backfired, so to speak, and the flame came back and scorched his ass. He ended up in the ER having to explain to the docs what happened to him, which was mortifying. The rest of us tried to console Tony, but he was inconsolable. And then it was time to pay the ER bill, which, believe me, was no bargain.

When the old fossil of a hospital administrator called Tony’s parents to tell them what their son had done, they were really pissed and sequestered him at home for most of his summer vacation. Needless to say, Tony was not a happy camper.

Written for these daily prompts from yesterday: The Daily Spur (example), Word of the Day Challenge (gas), Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (scorch), Your Daily Word Prompt (console), My Vivid Blog (bargain), Ragtag Daily Prompt (fossil), and E.M.’s Random Word Prompt (sequestered),

The Age of Fertility

She always seemed to be so fastidious, and I must admit, I had a huge crush on her back in the day. But the last time I saw her, she looked uncharacteristically fat and flabby. Taken aback by her appearance, I was not very nice to her at the time, shaming her for how she let her body swell up like it did. But I immediately felt bad because at that encounter she became quite melancholy and began to cry.

I later found out that she was pregnant, not fat and flabby, and what upset her that day was not so much what I had said, as much as it was that her boyfriend abandoned her shortly after she became pregnant.

I was ashamed for what I said to her, and I have since instituted a new personal policy to never comment on a woman’s appearance, especially if a woman is of the age of fertility.

Written for these daily prompts: E.M.’s Random Word Prompt (fastidious), Ragtag Daily Prompt (crush), Your Daily Word Prompt (flabby), Word of the Day Challenge (shaming), Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (swell), My Vivid Blog (melancholy), and The Daily Spur (policy).

And for the record, this post is pure fiction. I would never mistake a pregnant woman for a fat woman, but I admit that I once congratulated a woman on her pregnancy. She became very indignant when she informed me that she was not pregnant.

The Letter M

Deb, over at Nope, Not Pam, has this weekly challenge called A Letter a Week where she gives us a place, an emotion, an adjective, a verb, and an animal all starting with the same letter. Then she asks us to write a post using those items and the letter she has given us, which this week is the letter M.

Here are Deb’s M-words:

Place – Melbourne
Emotion – museum fatigue
Adjective – majestic
Verb – manifest
Animal – macaw

There was a robbery at a museum in Melbourne, Florida, where a colorful sculpture of the majestic macaw was stolen. Detective Morrisey was called to the scene and immediately came to the conclusion that the motive for the theft was museum fatigue.

“Let me explain,” the detective said. “It’s a condition that often manifests itself in long-term museum workers. They experience a feeling of languor, a weariness of body and soul. They often act out by doing something destructive directed at the cause of their malady. So my conjecture is that the culprit is likely a long-term employee of the museum.”

“Museum fatigue?” a surprised director said. “What is that? I’ve never heard of such a thing.”

“That’s ridiculous,” the museum director argued. “I can’t imagine any of our staff members stealing the macaw. While it’s a piece of art, it’s just painted plaster. Your conjecture, Detective, is rubbish.”

“And you, madam,” Detective Morrisey said, “will soon find that you intransigence on this incident will not serve you well. Based upon my aforementioned conjecture, my partner, Detective Ron Hayden, went to the home of your assistant director, Charles Farrington, who has worked here for twenty-five years, where Detective recovered the stolen macaw.”

Also written for these daily prompts: Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (robbery), The Daily Spur (conclusion), Ragtag Daily Prompt (explain), Your Daily Word Prompt (languor), My Vivid Blog (plaster), and E.M.’s Random Word Prompt (intransigence).

Friday Fictioneers — Have You Seen My Granddaughter?

“Excuse me,” the old man standing at the door of the second hand shop said to the sales clerk inside the store. “Have you seen my granddaughter?”

“What’s her name?” the woman asked.

“Isabel,” he said, “but she goes by Izzy. She works at a place that sells second hand goods.”

“I’m sorry,” the woman said, “no one by that name works here. Maybe she works at the Goodwill store about three blocks east of here.”

“Right,” the old man said. “She did mention Goodwill, but I thought she was talking about a guy named Will who worked with her.”

(100 words)

Written for Rochelle Wisoff-Fields’ Friday Fictioneers prompt. Photo credit: John Nixon.

It’s a Wrap!

“Cut!” the director shouted. “I deem that the scene where the gremlin jumps out from behind the furniture and scares that poor little freckle-faced girl is a wrap. Good job everyone. Let’s take 15 before we start shooting the next scene.”

The director looked around the soundstage and bellowed, “I need a cup of coffee now and that tenderfoot craft services apprentice is never hereabouts when I need him.”

“Sorry sir,” a meek voice behind the angry director said. Handing the director’s mug to him, the kid said, “I know you’re a director, but there’s no need to make a scene over this. I went to get your coffee as you were wrapping up that last scene and I asked them to brew a fresh pot because I know how you like your coffee freshly brewed.”

The director grabbed the mug from the apprentice’s hand and walked away without so much as a thank you. The kid just stood there and softly mumbled “you’re welcome” under his breath.

Written for these daily prompts: E.M.’s Random Word Prompt (deem), Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (scene), Word of the Day Challenge (gremlin), My Vivid Blog (furniture), The Daily Spur (freckle), Ragtag Daily Prompt (tenderfoot), and Your Daily Word Prompt (hereabouts).