Fibbing Friday — Christmas Fibs

Frank (aka PCGuy) and Di (aka Pensitivity101) alternate as host for Fibbing Friday, a silly little exercise where we are to write a post with our answers to the ten questions below. But as the title suggests, truth is not an option. The idea is to fib a little, a lot, tell whoppers, be inventive, silly, or even outrageous, in your responses. Today is Frank’s turn to host and here are his questions.

1 – What does it mean to “come a-wassailing”?

It’s an invitation to go out onto the bay in a sailboat, get drunk, and post a YouTube video of everyone saying “Wassup?”

2 – What was on Little Jack Horner’s thumb when he pulled it out of his Christmas pie?

He pulled out a long, brown hair that his mother must have let fall into the batter when she made the pie. It caused Little Jack to upchuck.

3 – According to the song, what was it that “My True Love gave to me” on the 8th day of Christmas?

Divorce papers. Turns out she wasn’t really his true love at all.

4 – What is the purpose of a Yule log?

It’s what ends up in the toilet after having taken a laxative to finally unblock your bowels after drinking too much eggnog while decking the halls with all that holly.

5 – What was so special about the reindeer named Rudolph?

A few years earlier, Rudolph had been a she, Ruth, but she had undergone a sex change operation because Santa, a misogynist, would not permit a female reindeer to lead his reindeer team.

6 – What were the names of Santa’s reindeer?

Groucho, Zeppo, Chico, Harpo, Curly, Moe, and Larry.

7 – Why do we leave a snack for Santa?

If you don’t leave Santa a snack, the fat bastard won’t leave you a present.

8 – Who or what is Krampus?

Krampus is what women go through each month when they have their menstrual cycle.

9 – How did the tradition of kissing under mistletoe get started?

It was an attempt to take a man’s attention away from the cameltoe of that sexy young girl in the very, very tight jeans and to force him to focus, instead, on kissing his wife on her lips. Her mouth lips, that is.

10 – Why is Christmas celebrated in December?

September has Labor Day, October has Halloween, November has Thanksgiving, January has New Year’s Day, February has Valentine’s Day, March has the Ides of March, April has Easter, May has Mother’s Day, June has Father’s Day, July has Independence Day, and August has International Beer Day (followed by International Hangover Day). December needed a holiday, so it was decided that Christmas would be in December.

Fandango’s Flashback Friday — December 4

Wouldn’t you like to expose your newer readers to some of your earlier posts that they might never have seen? Or remind your long term followers of posts that they might not remember? Each Friday I will publish a post I wrote on this exact date in a previous year.

How about you? Why don’t you reach back into your own archives and highlight a post that you wrote on this very date in a previous year? You can repost your Friday Flashback post on your blog and pingback to this post. Or you can just write a comment below with a link to the post you selected.

If you’ve been blogging for less than a year, go ahead and choose a post that you previously published on this day (the 4th) of any month within the past year and link to that post in a comment.

This was originally posted on my old blog on December 4, 2009.

Oh the Iron-y of it All

Christmas is 21 days away and the insanity has already started. No, I’m not talking about Black Friday mall shopping or Cyber Monday web-shopping. I’m talking about the crazies who believe that Christmas is under siege by non-believers. I’m talking about the radio stations that have converted over to all Christmas music all the time. (Hey, I don’t mind an occasional Christmas carol every once in a while, but constant Christmas music? Fuhgeddaboudit!)

I’m also talking about what also seems to occur with some regularity around this time of the year: the sightings of images of Jesus and/or the Virgin Mary in very unlikely places. Back in July I posted about a rash of Virgin Mary sightings. She was seen everywhere, from bird droppings on a truck’s mirror to a grilled cheese sandwich to a restaurant’s griddle to a building’s window.

The Jesus Iron

The latest holy sighting, though, is not the Virgin Mary, but her immaculately conceived son, Jesus. As we enter this year’s holiday season, Jesus apparently chose to show himself on the bottom of an iron! Indeed, Mary Jo Coady of Methuen, MA saw the image of Jesus staring back at her on the slightly stained bottom of her iron. She then did what anyone would do. She took a picture of it.

To make sure she wasn’t imagining Jesus’ appearance on her iron, she called her daughters and shared the photo of the Jesus iron with them. Both of Mary Jo’s daughters confirmed seeing the image of Jesus on the iron, proving without doubt that “it” runs in the family. Mary Jo then posted the picture — where else? — on her Facebook account.

Ultimately, a local newspaper heard about it published the story about Mary Jo and her iron, including a picture of the appliance. The Associated Press picked up the story and, well, now Mary Jo’s Jesus iron is famous.

Unlike others, though, such as, for example, the New Mexico café owner who erected a shrine around her Virgin Mary griddle or the Florida woman who auctioned her decade old, half-eaten Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich on eBay, Mary Jo says she’s not planning to enshrine her iron or to open up her home for public viewing and praying (or for an opportunity to iron with Jesus). But she does plan to purchase a new iron and to retire the holy Walmart-brand iron and put it aside for “safe keeping.”

I found it interesting that her church pastor, Rev. Thomas Keyes, who has not yet seen the divine iron, seemed a bit skeptical. He believes that God or saints might choose to appear “in person, as opposed to on a toaster, a cinnamon roll, a car’s windshield, a Frito, or whatever. But then, God does what he wants.” Good for Rev. Keyes, but isn’t it a bit ironic (pun intended) that a Catholic priest expressed cynicism about this holy iron? After all, if you look carefully at the bottom of the iron, you could argue that it wasn’t the image of Jesus, but that of Howard Stern, that was pressed into the bottom of that not-so-stainless steel Walmart iron.

Jesus or Howard Stern: who is the real “iron” man?

That said, I wish all of you a happy holiday season, especially to those who get offended when people use the inclusive “season’s greetings” or “happy holidays” instead of the exclusive “Merry Christmas.”

Fibbing Friday — Thanksgiving Edition

Frank (aka PCGuy) and Di (aka Pensitivity101) alternate as host for Fibbing Friday, a silly little exercise where we are to write a post with our answers to the ten questions below. But as the title suggests, truth is not an option. The idea is to fib a little, a lot, tell whoppers, be inventive, silly, or even outrageous, in your responses. Today is Frank’s turn to host and here are his questions.

1 – Why is it traditional to eat turkey for Thanksgiving dinner? (In the US, at least.)

Because when the new settlers tried to talk with the natives in the new world, they didn’t understand each other’s language and what the natives were saying sounded to the settlers like a bunch of gobbledygook. So the natives brought turkeys, who gobble, to help translate for them. Unfortunately, the settlers cooked and ate the turkeys before they learned that they hadn’t actually landed in India and that the natives where they had landed were not actually Indians.

2 – What is “Festivus”?

It’s the holiday for the rest of us.

3 – Why does Hanukkah (or Chanukah, if you prefer) last for eight days?

Because it was only supposed to last for one day, but they got a great deal on Amazon on Black Friday for an additional seven days for the price of one.

4 – Why does Kwanzaa last seven days?

Because the Kwanzaa folks figured that they could get done in only seven days what it took the Jews eight days to get done. So there, Jews.

5 – According to the song, there are twelve days of Christmas, so why do most people only observe Christmas for one day?

One day, seven days, eight days, twelve days? Who cares? It’s all just bullshit, anyway. (No offense to Jews, Christians, and African Americans.)

6 – Why does Canada have Thanksgiving in October?

Because it’s too freakin’ cold in Canada in late November to have Thanksgiving that late.

7 – What is Childermas?

It’s a special mass in the Catholic Church that is for children only. It’s specifically dedicated to pedophile priests. (Oh no, Fandango. You didn’t really say that, did you?)

8 – In the US, why is the Friday after Thanksgiving known as “Black Friday”?

Because people, at least in the pre-COVID days, used to practically kill one another in retail stores in order to get there first so as not to miss out on that $99 flat screen hi-def color TV. Those who didn’t get there in time were left out in the dark. Hence, “Black Friday.”

9 – What is “Boxing Day”?

It’s the day that 54 year old Mike Tyson and 51 year old Roy Jones, Jr. will meet up in the boxing ring for an exhibition boxing match. Why are these two old boxers doing this? “Show me the money.”

10 – What is “Saturnalia”?

It’s the day that Saturnites, or those beings who live on the planet Saturn, hold their annual Feast of Thanks. It’s actually a very rare occurrence, since one year on Saturn lasts for 29 Earth years, so most Saturnites, whose average life span is only around 20 Earth years, are lucky if they can celebrate even one Saturnalia holiday.

Friday Fictioneers — ‘Tis the Season

Jeremy and Alice sat together on the lobby bench quietly admiring the holiday lights embedded in the wreath-like greenery hung around the inside of the inn’s main entrance. “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas,” Alice sang so softly that only Jeremy could hear her. She looked lovingly at Jeremy, squeezed his arm, and said, “Don’t you love this time of year with the lights, decorations, snow falling outside in the cold crisp air, and the sounds of Christmas music everywhere?”

“Bah humbug,” Jeremy said. “Thanksgiving is still two weeks away. It’s too damn early for Christmas decorations.

(100 words)

Written for the Friday Fictioneers prompt from Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. Photo credit: Dale Rogerson.

Share Your World — A Christmas Potpourri

Share Your WorldIt’s Monday, and that means Melanie’s Share Your World questions are waiting to be answered. Oh wait. It’s Tuesday. How did I miss Monday?

Do dogs ‘talk’ (communicate) with their own species?

Dogs definitely communicate with other dogs, although, except for some vocalizations (e.g., barking, growling, whimpering), it’s mainly non-verbally through the use of body language, like the way they carry and wag their tails, how they position their ears and eyes, their posture or body position, their movements, and their facial expressions.

Have you ever had to work on Christmas Day?

Yes, one year the firm I work for received a Request For Proposal (RFP) from a very large company on the Monday of Christmas week and the response was due on the first workday of the new year. It was a major project, so everyone who was assigned to work on it had to come to work every day for that two week period, including on Christmas Day and New Year’s Day.

If someone gifts you something that you immediately loathe, do you pretend to really like it anyway or are you brutally honest about your opinion?

I don’t recall ever having “loathed” a gift anyone has given me, but even if I don’t particularly care for it, I will thank the gift giver. I won’t pretend to really like it, but I won’t embarrass the giver, either, by telling them that their gift sucks. Besides, I can always exchange it for something I really do like!

Which popular drink, found during the Christmas season most often, is called “milk punch?”

I don’t know, but I’ll take a wild guess: eggnog.

How many ghosts show up during “A Christmas Carol?”

Even an old atheist like me knows that there were four ghosts. The first was Jacob Marley’s ghost, and the other three were the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Yet to Come.

Are you all about the holly and jolly or more about remembering the alleged ‘true’ meaning of Christmas?

Ha! The “true meaning of Christmas.” That’s an oxymoron, right? That’s really funny!

Please share a memory or thought about the holiday season if you’d like, whatever kind of celebration you may observe.

A Christmas memory: The time in high school when I went to Midnight Mass with my two best friends, who were both Catholic, and the three of us were asked to leave the church because we were acting “inappropriately.” Ah, good times!