Just Get It Done

E16C5C66-E710-4376-A6C4-09294622542F“You know,” the head technician pointed out to Malcolm, “you’re way past the deadline for coming up with a successful formula. Do you need some additional resources to speed things up?”

“No, I don’t need additional resources, Jack,” Malcolm said. “You can’t make a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant. I offer no apology for attempting to do quality work,” Malcolm said. “If you want the formula to be successful, it’ll take time. Period. When we finally get to the stage of human trials, we want to make sure that we don’t kill anyone. So please, Jack, just be quiet and let me do my job.”

“Fine, Malcolm,” Jack said. “But you’d better watch your back, my friend. The president promised that a vaccine would be available by Election Day and you know how he is when people can’t deliver what he promises, no matter how ludicrous those promises are.”

“Right,” Malcolm said. “And he doesn’t give a shit whether or not the vaccine works or if it harms or kills people, so long as he can brag about it before Election Day.”

Jack shook his head. “Well, as Trump said, it is what it is. So just get it done.”

Written for these daily prompts: The Daily Spur (past), Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (formula), Word of the Day Challenge (apology), Ragtag Daily Prompt (quiet), and Jibber Jabber (watch).

The Leapster Award

5E99EB33-6509-42F9-BC6C-DF1F205542F8I am truly honored to have been nominated by Nobbinmaug, who blogs at Nobbinblog, for the coveted Leapster award. Oh wait, I’m sorry. My old eyes are no longer what they once were. It’s actually the Liebster Award for which he nominated me. I don’t know who Liebster is or what liebing is, but, leapin’ lizards, Daddy Warbucks, I do know what leaping is, and I leaped (or should that be “leapt”?) for joy when I saw that I had been nominated nobbinated.

When it comes to blog awards, I don’t follow any of the rules. But I do answer all manner of questions and Nobbinmaug has posed some truly ridiculous and nonsensical challenging ones. So let’s get this show on the road, shall we?

1. Why?

Because I said so, goddamit!

2. Would you rather have a pet gargoyle or griffin?

A griffin. Specifically Kathy Griffin. She’s kind of obnoxious, but in a funny way, you know what I mean?

3. What’s your favorite snack food?

Lasagna. It’s a long story.

4. Who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop?

The guy who wrote the song that made my baby fall in love with me. Yeah, that guy.

5. If you were to build an ark, or commission cheap labor, and take 7 types of animal to a far away land, what would they be?

By “they,” are you referring to the cheap laborers, the far away lands, or the types of animals? You must learn to be more specific in your questions, although I realize that English is not your native language. That said, if you are talking about animals, they would be a woman (specifically one who is an animal in bed), a dog, a cat, a horse, a griffin (specifically Kathy Griffin), a chicken (for eggs), and a kangaroo to go a few rounds with in the ring.

6. How many things do you know?

Pick a number between one and a million.

7. If you could breathe underwater, where would you go?

Swimming. Duh!

8. How do you feel about questionnaires with ridiculous, nonsensical questions?

About the same way I feel about ridiculous, nonsensical answers.

9. Who would be a better world leader Joe Exotic or Kanye West?

Either would be better than Donald Trump.

10. If you had four Oreos to bet, who would you bet on to win a no-hold barred cage match to the death between the Beatles and the Spice Girls?

I like girls who are spicy (I mean who doesn’t), but I’m gonna go with Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

11. What’s the meaning of life?

Life is a four letter word. Deal with it.

Friday Fictioneers — The Caboose

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA“Get ready, Sundance,” Butch said. “The train’s approaching.”

Sundance put down his binoculars and said, “I see it, but it’s just a bunch of freight cars filled with coal. You said the mining company’s payroll would be on that train.”

“They probably have it in a safe in the caboose,” Butch said.

Sundance picked up his binoculars. “I don’t see a caboose on that train.”

“Gotta be,” Butch said. “All trains have cabooses.”

“Maybe in the States,” Sundance said, “But we’re in goddam Bolivia.”

“Okay, mount up,” Butch said. “There’s a small bank in town we can hit this afternoon.”

(100 words)

Written for this weeks Friday Fictioneers prompt from Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. Photo credit: Jennifer Pendergast

Thursday 13

50D40F79-94C7-490E-B30B-7F1D2D560B83Yes, I know it’s not Thursday, but this won’t be the first time I’ve been a day late and a dollar short.

Judy, over at Lifelessons, posted thirteen questions that she would like readers of her blog to answer. Well, it just so happens that I am a reader of Judy’s blog and I’m all about answering questions. So here we go….

1. What could you do with an artichoke rather than eating it?

I’m not a big fan of artichokes, so I don’t know. Maybe I’d try to find someone named Arty and force him to eat one whole and watch him choke on it? Get it? I’d watch Arty choke!

2. What is the strangest name you have ever heard and what is your association with it?

Cooper Penny. He was an HR manager at a company that was one of my clients and most of the people who worked there called him “Copper Penny” behind his back. He was actually a very nice guy.  His favorite expression was “In for a penny, in for a pound.” He was the only one who thought that was funny. But he was British, and you know their sense of humor, right?

3. What is the most embarrassing thing your parents ever did?

After my sophomore year in college, when I was 19 and living at my parents’ home for the summer, I came home at around 11:00 am from a date I went on the night before to find a police car parked in our driveway and an officer sitting at the kitchen table with my parents. My mother was hysterically crying and when I walked into the house, my father yelled, “Where were you all night?” I answered, “I got lucky.” The police officer stood up and walked out of the house.

4. What was your most unusual pet?

A garter snake by the name of Pythius that I kept in a large aquarium. I used to feed him mice, which he’d swallow whole and I would entertain myself as I watched the mouse slowly work its way down the snake’s body as it was being digested.

5. What is your most favorite holiday and why?

Festivus, the holiday for the rest of us. Why? Because it’s a non-sectarian holiday. And now that I’m retired and no longer have a secretary, I consider myself to be non-sectarian.

6. What is your favorite footwear and why?

Brooks Addiction Walkers. Hey, they are practical and comfortable, albeit possibly the most boring shoe in the world.5E3BE638-78A5-4362-A5F3-5EF3FF05F493

7. What is your most irritating habit?

According to my wife, it’s when I ask her a question that I already asked her maybe five to ten minutes earlier. She says, “You already asked me that and I already answered it. You never listen to me.” I explain to her that I’m deaf in my left ear and don’t hear that well out of my right ear. But she’s probably right that I wasn’t paying attention when she answered my question the first time I asked it.

8. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

I don’t care as long as wherever I am has heat in the winter, air conditioning in the summer and a strong internet connection with good WiFi.

9. What is the most unusual place you have ever visited?

I love going to National Parks and I’ve been to quite a few. But of all of them, I think Bryce Canyon in Utah is one of the most unusual.AFFAF432-691E-4B0E-8465-FE699FF81E40You almost get the sense that you’re no longer on planet Earth when you’re there.

10. How did you meet your spouse or significant other?

My sister and brother-in-law were members of a tennis club and one of the people they played tennis with was visited one day by his 22 year-old daughter. My bother-in-law called me and gave me her phone number and urged me to call her. Which I did.

11. Who do you most admire?

Donald J. Trump.

Oh wait, the question was “admire most,” not “admire least.” In that case, it would be Barrack Obama. Take that, Trump!

12. If your pet could name you, what name would they give you and why?

My cat would call me Garçon because he’s always asking to be fed. My dog would call me Walker because as far as she’s concerned, that’s all I’m good for.

13. What is the most romantic thing that ever happened to you?

I’m not really what you’d call a romantic guy. I’m more of a pragmatist. But I suppose one might say that the most romantic thing that ever happened to me was when my wife said yes after I proposed to her.  Well, she didn’t exactly say “yes.” She said, “It’s about fucking time you asked me.” It doesn’t get any more romantic than that, does it?

Okay, folks, there you have it. Care to take a shot at answering these? Go visit Judy’s blog and just do it.

Fandango’s Dog Days of August #7

Fandango’s Dog Days of AugustDo you need a muse to get your creative juices flowing during these hot, sultry days of August? Try a dose of Fandango’s Dog Days of August prompt.

At 6:00 am Pacific time each day this month, I will be posting a new theme. Today’s theme is “something you found.” What did you find? Where did you find it? What did you (or are you going to) do with it? Share a story, a poem, a photo, a drawing, some music, or whatever you wish to about something you found.

If you wish to participate, please write your post, use the tag #FDDA, and create a pingback to this post or manually add your link in the comments.

And, of course, take some time to read the other responses to this prompt. See how other bloggers are coping with the dog days of August.