Number Two

1C7B1692-B890-4987-9F7F-07690554C869You’re with your friends and you feel a dump coming on. How do you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom? Do you just stand up, say “excuse me,” and leave the room? Or do you have another way of announcing that you need to heed nature’s call?

My go-to expression is to say “I need to see a man about a horse.” I know that makes no sense, but that’s my signal to everyone that it’s, um, pony time? I might also announce that “it’s time for my mid-morning sit down.” Or mid-afternoon or whatever time of day it happens to be.

My other, more 21st century expression is “I need to go check the latest news,” since I never have my sit downs anymore without bringing my iPhone with me. I’ll stay there, seated and reading my iPhone, until my butt cheeks start to tingle.

My son usually tells us that “the buffaloes are at the gate.” My wife and daughter, however, make no announcements. They just stand up and disappear for a few minutes and then return, seemingly no one else the wiser (or so they hope).

So what about you? When in the company of others and the need to use the bathroom hits you, do you just get up and leave the room for a few minutes, or do you somehow announce your departure? If so, what do you typically say? And be honest — do you take your smartphone with you? Or a book or magazine?

Inquiring minds want to know.

 

Is It Really That Obvious?

3EA8F829-BF70-4179-AF28-45DCF8809A14Yes, I guess the antipathy I feel toward that incompetent, unfit, unstable, imbecile who currently occupies the Oval Office is that obvious. Why else would Teresa, The Haunted Wordsmith, gift me with this lovely roll of toilet paper? I sure hope it’s 2-ply.

So, in the long standing tradition of Teresa’s white elephant party gift giving, and following the theme celebrating the shitstorm of Donald Trump, I am gifting these trinkets to the following bloggers:

Due to her generosity, evidenced by her daily white elephant gift giving prompt, I am throwing a gift right back at Teresa. I hope she enjoys drinking coffee, tea, or bourbon from this great mug.840ac954-605c-4c6e-a889-ace158e0e7b9.jpeg

And to one of the most politically aware, astute, and active anti-Republican bloggers I know, I gift this to Suze over at Suziland Too. 7D5ED93E-15BD-45D8-ADBC-DAA58DEF5B50.jpeg

And last, but not least, I’m sure that Cheryl, the Bag Lady, will make good use of this gift of the perfect pen or pencil holder.A3FB5D3F-B01F-49B6-ABF9-A90729024246

Not a Typical Monday

iPhone in the toiletEver had one of those Mondays? I don’t mean a typical Monday when you wake up with the realization that it’s Monday. I am talking about one of those Mondays, like the one I’m having today. It started when I woke up this morning.

As I always do as soon as I wake up, I turned on my iPhone. And, just as I also always do, I brought it with me into the bathroom. I placed the device on the wire shelving above the toilet, lifted up the toilet seat, removed my man-equipment from its hiding place, and proceeded to do what needed to be done.

Upon finishing, I tucked myself back in and noticed that the iPhone started to slip from the wire shelving above the toilet. Oh shit! And that’s when time began to move in slow motion.

My eyes widened as I saw it slowly become airborne. I tried to react as quickly as I could and reached out toward the falling device, but my timing and my aim were both a little off. The iPhone had just enough of a head start, and my reactions were just a touch too slow, to grab the device in mid-air.

And then I heard the sound of the splash when my iPhone plunged into the toilet bowl. Oh the horror!

My options were limited. I couldn’t flush the toilet because my iPhone could have been sucked down the toilet trap and into the city’s sewage system. So, despite my misgivings, I reached my hand down into the yellowish water and retrieved the iPhone.

I shook it a few times over the bathroom sink to try to get any liquid that may have gotten inside of it to drain out. Then I grabbed a towel and dried it as quickly as I could. Once dried, I put it aside and washed my hands.

I examined my iPhone, hoping that it was still in working order. The home screen still showed all of the icons and I could still navigate to view my email, check the web, open the weather app, and go pretty much anywhere I needed to go. Yup, it seemed that the phone, despite its plunge into the toilet bowl, was still working. Phew!

My next test was to see if the telephone aspect of the iPhone was still functioning. I was relieved when it worked as expected, although I admit that I didn’t put the phone right up next to my ear. I used the speakerphone.

But then a message starting appearing on my iPhone’s screen every few minutes. It read, “This cable or accessory is not certified and may not work reliably with this iPhone,” which was strange since there was no cable or accessory plugged into it. I turned the phone off and back on, but the message persisted. Uh oh. Something was amiss.

A few hours later, when my battery was down to about 50%, I inserted the charging cable into my iPhone. Good news! The device was, in fact, charging! And the error message disappeared.

So despite plunging into a urine-filled toilet bowl, my iPhone seems to be fine. I have decided, though, given that it was submerged, albeit ever so briefly, in a toilet bowl into which I had just peed, that the bathroom is going to be off-limits to my device from now on.

I sure hope the rest of my Monday is going to be more typical.


Written for today’s one-word prompt, “typical.”