Make Sheltering-in-Place More Tolerable

“It’ll be here before we know it,” Craig said.

“Dude, you’ve been saying that for three weeks now and they haven’t even given us a shipping date yet,” Alan pointed out.

“The demand is outpacing the supply since the lockdown began and the manufacturer can’t produce them fast enough,” Craig said.

“Dammit, Craig,” Alan said, “if you had ordered it when the stay-at-home mandate was first issued in mid-March, like I told you to, it would have been here by now.”

“But Trump said the virus would disappear like a miracle,” Craig said, defensively. “He also said the warm temperatures in April would kill it and that the country would reopen by Easter. And if that was the case, we wouldn’t have needed to order it.”

“Did any of that happen?”

“Well, no,” Craig admitted, “so that’s why I ordered it the Monday after Easter.”

“And so here we are in early May and we don’t even know when it will ship,” Alan lamented.

“Well, as they say, good things come to those who wait,” Craig said. “And look at this beautiful, state-of-the-art, realistic, Japanese sex doll.” He opened up his computer and showed Alan the image of what he ordered.3F31C0E8-D995-4DFB-BFC1-51AF4FC07362“Yeah, she’d be worth the wait, I suppose,”Alan admitted.

“And she’d make sheltering-in-place much more tolerable,” Craig added.


Written for Rachel Poli’s Time to Write Sentence Starter prompt, where the sentence is, “It’ll be here before we know it.”

An Executive Temper Tantrum

C2BFAD03-C6DD-44BD-BAEF-61AC371A2AA7I need more!” he screamed, pounding his fists on his large desk. “I will not tolerate another day like yesterday. How dare that Caspar Milquetoast of a congressman, that mouse of a man, dictate to me what I can and can’t do? I find that offensive. I’m the goddam President of the United States for crissake. I can do whatever the fuck I want to do, do you hear me? If I want to put this country up for sale to the highest bidder, I can fucking do it, do you hear me?”

The president’s son-in-law looked up at his father-in-law and said, “So what more do you need from us, sir?”

“I need a plan, a strategy, a distraction, a diversion!” the president bellowed. “I need something to get people to stop talking about impeachment. I need a goddam war!”

One White House aide leaned over to another aide and whispered, “This is the very definition of insanity.”


Written for Rachel Poli’s Time To Write Sentence Starter (“I need more”), for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie Tale Weaver prompt (For Sale), and for these daily prompts: Word of the Day Challenge (yesterday), Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (milquetoast), Daily Addictions (mouse), Your Daily Word Prompt (dictate), The Daily Spur (offensive), and Ragtag Daily Prompt (insanity).

Meat and Veggies

B0E75F90-7D51-4F60-96E9-BD102DAA7F7A“Um, what are you doing?” Sara asked.

“I’m simply trying to ameliorate all of the damage you’ve done,” Josh said.

“Damage? Don’t you think you’re being a bit dramatic?” Sara said.

“Oh I think I’m being quite judicious, my dear,” Josh said. “Someone has to take steps to clarify what you posted.”

“Oh my God!” Sara said, “You and your snowflake friends need to zen out, for crissake. I’m not taking it back. I meant what I said.”

“Come on, Sara, it wasn’t that bad, was it?” Josh said. “Listen, if they can make hamburgers and hot dogs from veggies, why can’t they make veggies from meat?”

“Josh, I understand that you and your meat-eater pals feel threatened by us vegans,” Sara said, “but why would you go out of your way to give me what looked like carrots that were made out of turkey meat? They were disgusting and I’m going to keep beating that drum on Twitter and there’s nothing you can do about it.”


Written for this week’s Time To Write Sentence Starter prompt from Rachel Poli, where we asked to write a story beginning with the word “Um.” Also for these daily prompts: Ragtag Daily Prompt (ameliorate), The Daily Spur (being), Daily Addictions (bit), Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (judicious), Your Daily Word Prompt (clarify), and Word of the Day Challenge (zen). Photo of Arby’s “marrot,” a turkey meat-based carrot, credit: Peyton Fulford for The New York Times.

Going Solo

C713F0E8-2FC8-441F-AEC6-7C8AF5916D50I’ll go with you!” Ralph insisted.

“Like hell you will,” Ben said. “This is something I have to do alone, dammit.”

Listen, dude, ” Ralph said, “I’ve always been your wingman. Tonight is not the time to commence a solo act.”

“Tonight’s exactly the right time, my friend,” Ben said. “And there’s no better event to go solo than this one.”

“This is blasphemy, dude,” Ralph said. “We have a chance to capture the spotlight tonight, the two of us together.”

“Ralph, you seem to have this unnatural infatuation with us doing this thing together, but tonight is my chance to shine, my friend,” Ben said. “I understand and I commiserate with you, buddy, I really do. But when I step up on that stage for tonight’s karaoke contest finale, I’m going it alone.”


Written for Rachel Poli’s Time To Write Sentence Starter prompt, where the sentence is “I’ll go with you.” Also for these daily prompts: Daily Addictions (listen), Ragtag Daily Prompt commence), The Daily Spur (event), Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (blasphemy), Your Daily Word Prompt (capture), Word of the Day Challenge (infatuation), and Nova’s Daily Random Word (commiserate).Tygpress not authorized

Spy Versus Spy

BB3EDA1A-E3E8-41EC-B00B-A3C8C361DA91I’ve been getting some strange comments showing up in my spam folder lately. Like this one:

“Alex9, this message is your next piece of data. Immediately message the agency at your earliest convenience. No further information until next transmission. This is broadcast #5771. Do not delete.”

Sometimes, like above, the comment is addressed to “Alex9.” Sometimes it’s addressed to another mysterious, secret agent-like name. But the message is always the same.

And the cryptic wording is weird. “Immediately message the agency.” What agency? Are we talking CIA? FBI? MI6? Mossad? KGB? What?

And then there’s “…at your earliest convenience.” So what is it — immediately or at my earliest convenience? “…next transmission” “…do not delete.” Seriously?

Well, listen, whoever you are, I’ve got news for you. I never sent in an application to any of those spy agencies. You showed a serious lack of judgment sending this message to me. I may be an uncle, but I’m not The Man From U.N.C.L.E. As much as I’d like to, it’s not my job to eradicate evil in the universe or to stop the polar ice caps from melting.

So I’m going to ignore your directive to message the agency and I’m going to delete this spam comment forthwith. Over and out.


Written for these daily prompts: Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (news), The Daily Spur (judgment), Your Daily Word Prompt (eradicate), Word of the Day Challenge (universe), Ragtag Daily Prompt (Emmy), and for Rachel Poli’s Time To Write (application).