Wrongly Accused

00D8BC20-CF5B-4D27-80D1-5478FE636335I, Fandango Fivedotoh, have been wrongly accused of the murder of Lady D by Inspector Li. As I will explain in this deposition before Police Captain Rory, all of the evidence of my alleged act is speculative and circumstantial and I am being framed for a heinous crime that I did not commit.

Lady D, the victim, was putting on a big fashion show at the Mount Vixen Ski Resort, where I happen to be skiing naked, as I am won’t to do, on a few occasions since arriving here with my wife, who is doing a stand up comedy show at the resort. As a strong proponent of naturism, and as someone who spends most of his time in the altogether, I do not follow the fashion industry and have no interest in fashion shows. In fact, I had never even heard of, much less ever seen, Lady D. What possible reason could I have to murder her?

Inspector Li claims that my wife, Britchy, had been victimized by Spacey, who was charged but never prosecuted. And while it’s true that Spacey did victimize her, that was many years ago and she is so over it. But Inspector Li claims that I “went off the deep end” when I heard Lady D on Poddy’s podcast bragging Spacey up. The inspector alleges that I decided, upon hearing that podcast, to serve up justice cold.

The inspector then claims that I had seen Ms. KK out on the biathlon range and knew she had a rifle. While Ms. KK was in the lounge, I allegedly slipped her key card out of her purse and took her rifle from her room. My plan, the inspector further alleges, with no evidence whatsoever, by the way,  was to “take out” one of the pro-Spaceys in town. The morning, after I heard the podcast, Inspector Li claims that is when I decided to target Lady D. And so I supposedly slipped into town and climbed the tower in Town Square and waited for my opportunity to shoot and kill someone I’d never heard of.

First of all, I never listen to podcasts. And why would I choose to listen to a podcast with someone who is a fashion aficionado when, as a naturist, I have zero interest in fashion?

Second, where is the physical evidence? Has the rifle allegedly used in the shooting been found so that it can be checked for fingerprints? No, it has not.

Third, the resort’s lodge has security cameras all over the place, including the lounge and the sleeping floors. Show me any tapes where I can be seen stealing a key card from Ms. KK’s handbag or entering into her room. There are no such tapes.

And fourth, I have airtight alibis, having been seen by many on the slope the night before and relaxing in the hot tub when this crime took place.

There is no physical evidence whatsoever that would justify my arrest. No murder weapon, no fingerprints, no video tapes, nothing. Not even a motive, since neither my wife nor I care about Spacey. Nor do I listen to podcasts, give a shit about fashion, or know who Lady D was.

The fact is, Captain Rory, that you put a lot of pressure on Inspector Li make an arrest and to close this case. Who better than a naked skier and the husband of a stand up comic known for her raunchy jokes? We are strangers and we are scapegoats. I am being set up to take the fall for a crime I did not commit. You have no basis to hold me and I demand that you release me immediately.

I rest my case.

FFfAW — Deer Season

AC71C1A3-88CB-4A69-9B69-7EFCC39F54F8The sound of the rifle blast disturbed the otherwise peaceful morning. The gulls took flight, the squirrels and gophers scurried. The dogs started barking, the crows started cawing.

One deer, the large male, fell to the ground with a thud, while the three others scattered into the shelter of the woods. The shooter approached his prey and congratulated himself on the accuracy of his shot. This deer was a four-pointer and it’s head with antlers would make yet another fine trophy for his cabin’s wall.

He could never understand those who claimed that deer hunting isn’t a sport. Of course it is, he reasoned. It takes patience and skill. It’s not something just anybody can do. Just because the other team doesn’t know they’re playing the game doesn’t mean it’s not a sport.

Besides, it’s sanctioned by the state as a means to control overpopulation and to improve the herd.

So screw those who think it’s cruel. They’re just a bunch of libtard snowflakes.

(164 words)


Written for Priceless Joy’s Flash Fiction for the Aspiring Writer. Photo credit: wildverbs.

By the way, I am one of those libtard snowflakes.

FFfAW — Target Practice

Clyde looked through the sight of his rifle, aimed it at one of the trees, and shot off a round. “Nice shot,” said Benny. “If that tree were an animal, you’d have killed it.”

“Yep,” Clyde said. “Enough of this target practice. I’m ready for some blood sport.”

Benny lifted up his own rifle, aimed, and pulled the trigger. The shot hit its target in the middle of the same tree trunk. “Yeah, I’m ready for some live targets, too,” he said.

Both men sheathed their rifles and started to walk away. “Wait,” Clyde said. “Did you hear that creaking sound?” He turned around and looked back toward the tree they had just been using for target practice.

“Holy shit,” exclaimed Benny. Both men watched as long, thick tendrils started growing from the trunk of the tree. After a moment the tendrils lifted the huge tree from the earth and it slowly moved toward the two men.

“Run!” screamed Clyde. But it was too late. The huge tree fell upon them, squishing them like bugs.

(175 words)


Written for this week’s Flash Fiction for Aspiring Writers prompt from Priceless Joy. Photo credit: me.