Wrongly Accused

00D8BC20-CF5B-4D27-80D1-5478FE636335I, Fandango Fivedotoh, have been wrongly accused of the murder of Lady D by Inspector Li. As I will explain in this deposition before Police Captain Rory, all of the evidence of my alleged act is speculative and circumstantial and I am being framed for a heinous crime that I did not commit.

Lady D, the victim, was putting on a big fashion show at the Mount Vixen Ski Resort, where I happen to be skiing naked, as I am won’t to do, on a few occasions since arriving here with my wife, who is doing a stand up comedy show at the resort. As a strong proponent of naturism, and as someone who spends most of his time in the altogether, I do not follow the fashion industry and have no interest in fashion shows. In fact, I had never even heard of, much less ever seen, Lady D. What possible reason could I have to murder her?

Inspector Li claims that my wife, Britchy, had been victimized by Spacey, who was charged but never prosecuted. And while it’s true that Spacey did victimize her, that was many years ago and she is so over it. But Inspector Li claims that I “went off the deep end” when I heard Lady D on Poddy’s podcast bragging Spacey up. The inspector alleges that I decided, upon hearing that podcast, to serve up justice cold.

The inspector then claims that I had seen Ms. KK out on the biathlon range and knew she had a rifle. While Ms. KK was in the lounge, I allegedly slipped her key card out of her purse and took her rifle from her room. My plan, the inspector further alleges, with no evidence whatsoever, by the way,  was to “take out” one of the pro-Spaceys in town. The morning, after I heard the podcast, Inspector Li claims that is when I decided to target Lady D. And so I supposedly slipped into town and climbed the tower in Town Square and waited for my opportunity to shoot and kill someone I’d never heard of.

First of all, I never listen to podcasts. And why would I choose to listen to a podcast with someone who is a fashion aficionado when, as a naturist, I have zero interest in fashion?

Second, where is the physical evidence? Has the rifle allegedly used in the shooting been found so that it can be checked for fingerprints? No, it has not.

Third, the resort’s lodge has security cameras all over the place, including the lounge and the sleeping floors. Show me any tapes where I can be seen stealing a key card from Ms. KK’s handbag or entering into her room. There are no such tapes.

And fourth, I have airtight alibis, having been seen by many on the slope the night before and relaxing in the hot tub when this crime took place.

There is no physical evidence whatsoever that would justify my arrest. No murder weapon, no fingerprints, no video tapes, nothing. Not even a motive, since neither my wife nor I care about Spacey. Nor do I listen to podcasts, give a shit about fashion, or know who Lady D was.

The fact is, Captain Rory, that you put a lot of pressure on Inspector Li make an arrest and to close this case. Who better than a naked skier and the husband of a stand up comic known for her raunchy jokes? We are strangers and we are scapegoats. I am being set up to take the fall for a crime I did not commit. You have no basis to hold me and I demand that you release me immediately.

I rest my case.

Return on Investment

B74D0A3D-933E-4CB4-9650-207B08D161CDAs David and Diane were checking into the fancy hotel, the bellhop approached them. “Sir,” he said to David, “I’ll take your baggage up to room 1614 for you.”

Diane looked up at David. “How did you afford such a ritzy hotel?” she asked. “It must cost a small fortune.”

“My greatest strength is finding great deals,” David said.

Diana snuggled up to David and said, “Well, I wouldn’t say that’s your greatest strength, babe. I hope you’ll demonstrate that for me later tonight.” She gave him a big hug and kiss and asked, “But seriously, how did you manage to get us into this place?”

“Okay, I guess I can tell you my secret,” David said. “I invested in one of those two-hour lunch things a few weeks ago. You have to sit through a lengthy sales pitch to buy into a time sharing vacation resort property.”

“Seriously?” a surprised Diana said. “Did you fall for that crap and buy into a time share?”

“Of course not,” David said. “But that two-hour investment of my time got me a free lunch and this bundle that includes two nights at this fancy hotel plus two breakfasts and two dinners at the hotel’s restaurant.”

“Sounds like you got a good return on your two-hour investment,” Diana said.

“Indeed,” David said. “Now take my arm and let’s head up to room 1614, where our baggage awaits us.”


Written for these daily prompts: Ragtag Daily Prompt (baggage), Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (ritzy), Word of the Day Challenge (strength), and Your Daily Word Prompt (bundle).

FOWC with Fandango — Resort

FOWCWelcome to January 28, 2019 and to Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (aka, FOWC). It’s designed to fill the void after WordPress bailed on its daily one-word prompt.

I will be posting each day’s word just after midnight Pacific Time (US).

Today’s word is “resort.”

Write a post using that word. It can be prose, poetry, fiction, non-fiction. It can be any length. It can be just a picture or a drawing if you want. No holds barred, so to speak.

Once you are done, tag your post with #FOWC and create a pingback to this post if you are on WordPress. Or you can simply include a link to your post in the comments.

And be sure to read the posts of other bloggers who respond to this prompt. You will marvel at their creativity.