Yesterday, James Pyles, my conservative blogging buddy over at Powered By Robots, wrote a post titled, “Five Ridiculously Implausible Things The Progressive Left is Afraid Of.” He described his post as a “tongue-in-cheek (or is it?)” response to an apparently satirical post he read called, “5 Ridiculously Implausible Things The Alt-Right Is Afraid Of.”
Anyway, just for shits and giggles, I thought, as the official representative of progressive thinking on WordPress, I’d offer my responses to James’ list of things progressives are afraid of. Here goes.
1. The World Will Be Controlled By An Oppressive Version of Christianity
No, not the world, just the United States. Christians in America, who make up about 73% of the citizenry, seem to feel like they are being persecuted and are under siege by atheists, agnostics, nones, and other unaffiliated heretics. But evangelicals and other fundamentalist Christians have had their prayers answered and are thanking God for delivering unto them their new savior, Donald J. Trump, who has promised that Christians can, once again, feel free to say “Merry Christmas” to their hearts’ content. Praise be!
2. Extreme Right Wing Government Control of America
I don’t know why James would say that progressives fear this. Is it because Donald Trump’s list of Supreme Court nominees as well as names for other Federal judgeships were provided by the far-right Heritage Foundation and that extremely conservative judges have been appointed at a head-spinning rate? Or is it because the far-right House Freedom Caucus, the House’s most conservative faction, wields enough votes to shape just about any Republican-led legislation? Nah. Nothing to be afraid of.
3. Abortion and Birth Control Will Be Outlawed and Women Will be Forced to Have Sex and Babies Against Their Will
Progressives don’t fear that women will be forced to have sex against their will. Progressive women love to have sex with us very sexy progressive men.
But as to abortions being outlawed, there is some validity to that, especially with the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court. Kavanaugh is no fan of Roe v Wade and, if he makes it onto the Court, there’s a very real possibility that Roe v Wade is in jeopardy. As to birth control, Kavanaugh has referred to contraception as “abortion-inducing drugs,” and we already know Kavanaugh’s position on abortion. So other than forcing women to have sex, I gotta give this one to James. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
4. The LGBTQ+ Community Will Be Forced Back Into The Closet
I don’t know what goes on in the closet, but I do know that most Republicans in Congress, especially the more conservative ones, as well as evangelicals and other religious fundamentalists, would be delighted to roll back most of the civil/equal rights gains that the LGBTQ community has achieved over the past half decade. So watch this space.
5. Civil Rights For Immigrants and Minorities Will Be Destroyed And Only White Dudes Will Rule
This is already happening at our southern border, where people seeking asylum in the U.S. are being turned away or arrested, detained, and where children have been separated from their families. And a series of quiet reforms from the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services could threaten even more immigrants, many of them here legally, with deportation.
And in North Carolina, ICE and the Department of Justice have gotten a court order for the state to turn over eight years of voter registration records. The request is apparently related to indictments announced in late August, when the DOJ and ICE announced they had charged 19 foreign nationals with voting illegally. So the state is being asked to turn over 15 million documents for examination. Hmm, nothing to see here, right?
But if you’re a white, Christian, conservative dude, no worries, right James?