Don’t Judge Me

Don’t you hate it when you’re going through the checkout line at the grocery store and the cashier runs your items through the scanner and then gives you a look that silently says, “Seriously, you’re buying this shit?”

That happened to me this morning when I purchased these items:DCFB1311-DA08-4A4B-A49E-0775F0047872Now before you, too, judge me, let me explain. We have a 14 year-old dog who is suffering from arthritis. So we have to get her to swallow two different capsules twice daily to provide some arthritis relief. Unfortunately, neither of the pills is chewable, so we’ve got to hide it in food that she will eat.

After much experimentation, we discovered that our dog likes Spam and Gerber’s chicken and turkey “sticks” (little sausages). So we poke holes in one or the other, insert the capsules inside of them, and beg her to eat the Spam or “sticks” with the embedded capsules, which she does, thus allowing us to solve the challenge of getting her to take her medicine.

And just for the record, I have never in my life knowingly eaten Spam, nor Gerber’s chicken or turkey sticks. So don’t you dare judge me by what’s in my shopping cart, thank you very much.

Grocery List Challenge

img_5884You may be wondering why I’m sharing a grocery list with you. I’m kind of wondering that myself. The answer is because Cheryl, aka The Bag Lady, has a new Fun Challenge.

The idea behind her challenge is for us to reveal some things about our home life. The first one is to “take a picture of our current grocery list, whether it be on a scrap of paper, a napkin, etc.”

Before I (or my wife and I) go to the grocery store, I open the Notes app on my iPhone and tap out a list of items I need to pick up. Then, once I get to the grocery store, as I add the items to my physical shopping cart, I use the “strikethrough” feature on the Notes app to let me know that I have secured each item. That way, right before I get in the checkout line, I review my list to make sure I didn’t miss anything. It works for me.

Now how about showing us your shopping list?

Hammering Things Out at the Grocery Store

51A57B8E-DD57-408A-9992-3287615F2DB3George walked into the grocery store, pulled out a hammer from his belt, and started banging it against the base of the frozen food unit. An older woman with her hair in a single braid, ran over to where the man was hammering. “You can’t do that here!” she yelled.

“You don’t understand,” George protested. “I was here last night and noticed that this cooling unit is not functioning properly. As a result, the foods contained in it are going through a slow thaw. As a gourmand, a man who appreciates fine food, it breaks my heart to see all of these exquisite frozen goodies melting.”

“I have a guy I can call to take a look at the unit. I don’t want some customer coming into my store and taking a hammer to my freezer, so please stop,” the woman with the braid said.

“But when I lived in Canada, I worked for a refrigeration company and repaired units like this all the time,” George said.

“It will be a cloudy day in paradise before I let some random dude come in here in the guise of a refrigeration repairman and take a hammer to my freezer unit,” the woman said. “You’re crazy. Now get the hell out of my store before I call the cops.

“Suit yourself,” George said. He stood up, lifted his hammer into the air, and brought it down on the head of the woman with the braid. “You just shoulda let me fix it,” George said, looking down at her body.

Written for Paula Light’s Three Things Challenge, where the three things are “hammer,” “braid,” and “Canada.”

Also for The Haunted Wordsmith Prompt A (grocery store setting) & B (the sentence “You can’t do that here!”).

And for these daily prompts: Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (base), The Daily Spur (slow), Ragtag Daily Prompt (gourmand), Word of the Day Challenge (cloudy), Your Daily Word Prompt (guise), and Swimmers (now).

The [Food] Court of the Queen of Questions

Teresa, The Hidden Wordsmith and the Queen of Questions, wants to know a little about our grocery shopping habits and our dietary preferences. Well, since they say that you are what you eat, here’s everything you need to know about me.

  1. What is your favorite chocolate dessert? My wife makes this great chocolate mousse cake. It’s to die for.55a85a3c-7091-4441-b933-c2566ce47c0d

  2. Where do you go first in the grocery store? The fruits and veggies aisles. It’s the first thing you come to when you walk through the door.

  3. You win three minutes of free shopping in the grocery store with an empty cart…what do you fill it with? Groceries, duh!

  4. What is your favorite fruit and how do you like to eat it? Bananas sliced and tossed into a bowl of cold cereal.fecd43b3-e4d9-419b-955e-d085f2c1ae92

  5. You go to a magic cafe where plates fill with whatever you request…what do you get? Magic spells?

  6. How do you like your fish? Filleted and sautéed.

  7. Do you eat jello (what is your favorite flavor)? Not since Bill Cosby was arrested.414a8d43-0acf-4d07-8812-d5d1b57be3d4

  8. What is the most, ahem, “adult” food you can think of? Prunes?

  9. What food do you eat that might put you in the “old” age? Prunes?

  10. Mall food courts…yes, no, where do you eat? I can’t remember the last time I went to a mall, much less ate at a mall food court.

In Other Words — Shopping

4D665479-6077-43F0-9E8F-0C038A45F228I can’t remember the last time I was in a department store.

Or a clothing store, a shoe store, a hardware store, a furniture store, a book store, a jewelry store, a toy store.

Because I do all of my shopping online.

Well, except for groceries.

I do my grocery shopping at a grocery store.

In other wordsThis post was written for the In Other Words prompt from Patricia’s Place. The challenge this week is to write a story or poem of five lines or fewer using the word “shopping.”