Once Upon a Crime

799E8244-6AC6-47D8-9541-BD1E7AB9EF57Police Captain Rory has assigned me, Ace Detective Fandango, to investigate and solve a heinous crime. There are five people involved in this crime:

My job is to determine:

  • Who is the victim?
  • Who is the murderer?
  • What is the location?
  • What is the murder weapon?
  • What is the motive?

After examining all of the facts and conducting a series of interviews, here is the report of my findings:

Our victim, Emily, was found dead in her zombie flamingos garden. All evidence points to Teresa as the murderer. Teresa used a poison tipped pen to commit the crime.

As to motive, Teresa is a single mother with a teenage son. One day late last year, Teresa was told by her best friend, Paula, at a dinner hosted by Kristian, that there were rumors that her son was taking drugs.

Being the good, caring mother that she is, Teresa took her son to the emergency room, where he was seen by Dr. Tanya. The doctor ordered a blood and urine test, and, sadly, the results were positive.

When confronted with the test results, Teresa’s son broke down and admitted that he spent a lot of time after school over at Emily’s because he loved to play with her cats. One day, though, one of her cats was “in a mood” — you know how cats can be, right? — and the cat bit and scratched Teresa’s son.

It turned out that Emily, wanting to ensure that the boy’s wounds didn’t get infected from cat scratch fever, gave him a high potency narcotic in tablet form. The drug did work to prevent the infection, but it also gave the boy a sense of calm euphoria, a feeling that he began to crave.

Teresa’s son continued to visit Emily and her cats after school each day. But unbeknownst to Emily, he had persuaded Emily’s zombie flamingos, who were known to be a bit mischievous, to provide him with more of those euphoria-inducing tablets until he became addicted to them.

This revelation haunted Teresa. She vowed to seek revenge against Emily for having gotten her son addicted to the drug. As a wordsmith, Teresa knew that the pen is mightier than the sword and began to plot her revenge. She visited Kristian, with whom she, Paula, and Emily often dined. Teresa knew that Kristian kept a supply of rat poison in her home to keep the rats at bay during her frequent dinner parties. Teresa made up some story about seeing rats in her basement and asked Kristian if she could have some rat poison to get rid of them. Kristian was happy to oblige.

Back at home, Teresa took out a special pen and coated its tip with rat poison. When Emily invited Teresa, Paula, and Kristian to tea in her garden a few days later, Teresa brought her special pen and presented it to Emily as a thank you gift. Emily thought the pen was lovely, and thanked Teresa profusely. Paula told me that she heard Teresa tell Emily to be sure to lick the pen’s tip with her tongue to get the ink flowing.

A day later, Teresa and Paula came back over to Emily’s place. Emily was tending to her flamingos in her garden when Teresa gave her a copy of her latest book. After handing the book to Emily, Teresa asked her if she’d like her to autograph it. Emily said she’d love that and ran into her house to get the pen Teresa had given her the night before. “Don’t forget to lick the tip,” Teresa said to Emily, Paula recounted.

Moments later, Emily keeled over. Paula called for an ambulance, but by the time they got Emily to the hospital, she was gone. A postmortem conducted by Dr. Tanya confirmed the cause of death to be rat poison.

I arrested Teresa, who is now out on bail to care for her teenage son. Despite all of the evidence against her, Teresa claims that she’s innocent, denies having murdered Emily, and assets that she’s been framed. However, I find that claim lacks credibility.

Respectfully submitted,

Ace Detective Fandango.

Wrongly Accused

00D8BC20-CF5B-4D27-80D1-5478FE636335I, Fandango Fivedotoh, have been wrongly accused of the murder of Lady D by Inspector Li. As I will explain in this deposition before Police Captain Rory, all of the evidence of my alleged act is speculative and circumstantial and I am being framed for a heinous crime that I did not commit.

Lady D, the victim, was putting on a big fashion show at the Mount Vixen Ski Resort, where I happen to be skiing naked, as I am won’t to do, on a few occasions since arriving here with my wife, who is doing a stand up comedy show at the resort. As a strong proponent of naturism, and as someone who spends most of his time in the altogether, I do not follow the fashion industry and have no interest in fashion shows. In fact, I had never even heard of, much less ever seen, Lady D. What possible reason could I have to murder her?

Inspector Li claims that my wife, Britchy, had been victimized by Spacey, who was charged but never prosecuted. And while it’s true that Spacey did victimize her, that was many years ago and she is so over it. But Inspector Li claims that I “went off the deep end” when I heard Lady D on Poddy’s podcast bragging Spacey up. The inspector alleges that I decided, upon hearing that podcast, to serve up justice cold.

The inspector then claims that I had seen Ms. KK out on the biathlon range and knew she had a rifle. While Ms. KK was in the lounge, I allegedly slipped her key card out of her purse and took her rifle from her room. My plan, the inspector further alleges, with no evidence whatsoever, by the way,  was to “take out” one of the pro-Spaceys in town. The morning, after I heard the podcast, Inspector Li claims that is when I decided to target Lady D. And so I supposedly slipped into town and climbed the tower in Town Square and waited for my opportunity to shoot and kill someone I’d never heard of.

First of all, I never listen to podcasts. And why would I choose to listen to a podcast with someone who is a fashion aficionado when, as a naturist, I have zero interest in fashion?

Second, where is the physical evidence? Has the rifle allegedly used in the shooting been found so that it can be checked for fingerprints? No, it has not.

Third, the resort’s lodge has security cameras all over the place, including the lounge and the sleeping floors. Show me any tapes where I can be seen stealing a key card from Ms. KK’s handbag or entering into her room. There are no such tapes.

And fourth, I have airtight alibis, having been seen by many on the slope the night before and relaxing in the hot tub when this crime took place.

There is no physical evidence whatsoever that would justify my arrest. No murder weapon, no fingerprints, no video tapes, nothing. Not even a motive, since neither my wife nor I care about Spacey. Nor do I listen to podcasts, give a shit about fashion, or know who Lady D was.

The fact is, Captain Rory, that you put a lot of pressure on Inspector Li make an arrest and to close this case. Who better than a naked skier and the husband of a stand up comic known for her raunchy jokes? We are strangers and we are scapegoats. I am being set up to take the fall for a crime I did not commit. You have no basis to hold me and I demand that you release me immediately.

I rest my case.

News Flash: Nothing Is a Crime

9D593DB0-A588-4EA0-B591-ABC3E7932D1ADonald Trump’s TV lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, dismissed the investigation into possible collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia by saying that collusion is “not a crime.”

So, colluding with a foreign adversary in order to influence the outcome of a presidential election is not a criminal act? I suppose that obstructing the investigation to see if collusion occurred in violation of federal election laws, is also not a crime.

But if colluding with Russians to influence an election is not a crime, why does Donald Trump keep saying and tweeting “NO COLLUSION”? Why deny collusion if collusion is not a crime?

I guess a presidential candidate paying hush money right before an election to keep a porn star and Playboy bunny quiet about having had extramarital relations with him is not a crime.

Richard Nixon said to David Frost in an interview, “When the president does it, that means it is not illegal.”

So does that mean that nothing Trump does is a crime? Perhaps he was right when he said during his campaign that he could  “stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and not lose a single vote,” would not be a crime now that he’s president.

He sure is making America great again. For him, anyway.