Stupid Human Tricks

My cat sleeps in my bed.

When he gets hungry each morning, usually at around 6, he starts poking my face with his nose to get me up.

This morning when he poked me, I looked by at my bedroom clock. It wasn’t quite 5:00. So I told him that it was too early.

But he continued to poke my face with his nose. I ignored him. So he bit my hand.

I guess he never heard the old adage, “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.”

In a way, though, I can’t blame him. He didn’t know we turned the clocks back an hour last night. It’s another one of our stupid human tricks.

Cat Scratch Fever

Yesterday, fellow blogger Judy Dysktra Brown wrote a post in which she showed off a very bruised arm that she blamed on “naughty dogs” who leave their marks when jumping up on her.

Pretty gross, huh? When I saw Judy’s wounds picture, I commented, “Okay, I think I need to post a picture of the wounds and scabs on my on my hands and arms that my cat bestows upon me with his razor sharp claws if I dare to ignore him when I’m reading the morning paper. There will be blood!”

To which Judy said, “So I showed you mine. You show me yours.” I told her that I would do so the next time my beloved cat mauled me.

Well, it didn’t take long for my cat to maul me. I was sitting at the table trying to read my morning paper when the cat jumped up on the table and started walking all over the newspaper in a subtle attempt to get my attention. I tried to ignore him, which was a big mistake. In a lightning fast motion and with his razor sharp claws extended, he struck with precision accuracy, his claws tearing at the skin on the last two fingers of my left hand.

I told you, Judy, there will be blood. Happy now?

Happy Together

“There’s already a stain on our new carpet,” Diane complained to her boyfriend. “What did you spill on it?”

“It wasn’t me, it was the cat,” Mitch said. “He threw up a hairball this morning, but I cleaned it up, so now it’s virtually invisible.”

“It’s not invisible if I noticed it,” Diane said.

“Well, it blends in with the pattern in the rug,” Mitch said. “You really have to strain to see it.”

“I don’t know why I agreed to let you get a cat,” Diane said. “He’s destroyed our furniture with his claws, he’s throwing up hairballs every other day, and I’m even finding cat fur in my food. I think we should get rid of him.”

“No way, Diane,” Mitch said, “I’d sooner get rid of you than the cat.”

“You can’t be serious,” Diane said. “You’d detonate our relationship over a fucking cat?”

“Well, consider the variables,” Mitch said. “The cat is low maintenance, not demanding, doesn’t hassle me all the time about stupid things like invisible stains on the rug. I’d say, in the scheme of things, the cat’s foibles are easier to deal with than are your idiosyncrasies.”

“Okay, fine, we’ll keep the damn cat,” Diane said.

“Great,” Mitch said. “I’m sure the three of us will be very happy together.”


Written for these daily prompts: Ragtag Daily Prompt (invisible), Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (pattern), MMA Storytime (detonate), The Daily Spur (strain), Word of the Day Challenge (variable), and Your Daily Word Prompt (foible).