The Spy Who Loved Oreos

2B846FD4-3F6A-4615-AA7A-BCA28EBC3CB2Max was a secret agent. Espionage was his game and he was very, very good at it. And he was very smart, too. One of the smartest and most ingenious spies in The Agency.

One of his ingenious inventions was a telephone that was hidden in heel and sole of his shoe. Of course, this was back in the 60s, well before the invention of today’s smartphones. Max’s shoe-phone was revolutionary, way ahead of its time.

Unfortunately for Max, he had an addiction to Oreo cookies. He would always have Oreos wherever he went and would constantly snack on them. And even though Max was so very, very good at being a spy, and even though he was one of the smartest and most ingenious agents in The Agency, his addiction to Oreo cookies was his downfall.

Poor Max gained so much weight from constantly snacking on Oreos that one day, while in heavy pursuit of a spy from the other side, he keeled over and died. In the end, it wasn’t an enemy agent who stopped him, it was his beloved Oreos.

It just goes to show you that sometimes the cream of the crop can be undone by the crème in the center.

Written for Paula Light’s Three Things Challenge, where the three things are “espionage,” “snack,” and “shoe.”

Thursday Inspiration — Pink Cadillac

89A34ACE-7434-4804-B9F0-D70553432AECMarylou was a daddy’s girl, and a spoiled brat for sure. When she turned 16 and got her driver’s license, her father asked her what she wanted for her birthday. “I want Barbie’s car, Daddy dear,” she said. And so daddy bought his precious little girl a classic, 1959 pink Cadillac convertible.6CEF4135-1CD2-43AD-A289-51D19A96C792Marylou loved her pink Cadillac. It was unlike anything any of her rich, cliquey, valley girl friends had. Unfortunately for Marylou, her rich, cliquey, valley girl friends were vindictive bitches and they couldn’t stand the fact that Marylou had the coolest car of any of the rich, cliquey, valley girls at their school.

One morning, Marylou came out of her house to find her beautiful pink Cadillac covered in whipped cream. She ran inside her house and cried to her daddy. He threw Marylou a towel, ran out, ran out the front door, grabbed a hose, and sprayed the car down. Then he helped his daughter dry the car.

“It fills me with sadness,” he said, “that children these days are so mean and cruel,” and grabbed his precious little girl and hugged her.

And now this:

Written for Paula Light’s Thursday Inspiration prompt, where the theme is music. Also for yesterday’s Three Things Challenge, also from Paula Light, where the three things are we “Cadillac,” “towel,” and “sadness.”

Guess What He Found

4EFEC45C-3018-4B8C-AB2C-78BCAA7B609C“Say it, don’t spray it,” Anita said as she wiped the spittle from her face with an overly dramatic flair.

“Jeez, it’s not like I meant to,” Dan, embarrassed, said. “It was an accident.”

“You always do that when you get excited,” Anita said. “It’s disgusting.”

“You’re missing the point,” Dan said.

“Well, by all means,” Anita said, “Don’t hesitate to get to the point, but please leave out any extraneous details.”

“Fine,” Dan said. “You remember Aunt Dora? She died last year, shortly after she had a her gallbladder removed. The doctors were amazed that her organ was the size of a small watermelon.”

Losing patience, Anita said, “Yes, I know that. So what?”

“Uncle Harry was cleaning out her place and guess what he found there,” Dan said excitedly.

Anita sighed. “I’ll bite. What did he find?”

“Aunt Dora kept that watermelon-sized gallbladder in a jar filled with formaldehyde in her fucking attic!”

Written for Paula Light’s Three Things Challenge, where the three things are “organ,” “attic,” and “watermelon.” Also for these daily prompts: Word of the Day Challenge (spray), Ragtag Daily Prompt (flair), The Daily Spur (accident), Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (hesitate), and Your Daily Word Prompt (extraneous).

Taking Stock of Things

3B82C04D-49BC-4756-9E79-B305439198A3“Is it too much to ask for some peace and quiet?” Sharon asked her husband, Nick, on the drive home to Chicago from a disastrous weekend in Cincinnati.

“Oh you don’t want to talk about what happened last night at the wedding reception?” Nick asked in an icy cold voice.

“Fine, let’s talk about it, Nick,” Sharon said. “What on earth did I do to make you so act like such a jealous bastard?”

“Are you serious, Sharon?” Nick asked. “Well, for starters, there was that affair you had two years ago with that coworker of yours. You know, the one who you couldn’t keep your horny hands away from his pants zipper.”

“Come on, Nick. That was two years ago. It’s ancient history, crissake. And it was just one time.”

“So you claim, Sharon,” Nick said. “But then last night you were all over that son of a bitch at the reception. Some random guy standing near me pointed to the two of you and said, ‘Hey, those two should get a room.’ How do you think that made me feel, Sharon?”

“Nick, you’re being ridiculous, Sharon said. “He was a fascinating man He’s traveled all over the world and is a marvelous storyteller.”

“I’m being ridiculous?” Nick said. “That guy was such a fig.

“I think the word your looking for is ‘prig,’ Nick,” Sharon said. “And yes, he was a bit of a prig. But I really enjoyed his energetic nature and his enthusiasm for life. If you would have joined in on the conversation instead of hanging out by yourself at the bar and feeling sorry for yourself, I’m sure that you would have enjoyed listening to him, too.”

“Oh really?” Nick said. “Well, I’m sorry if you feel that I’m not interesting or energetic. I’m just not a real emotive guy, Sharon. It’s not in my nature. But what I do want is for us to take what we have together and nurture it, Sharon. I want to make us stronger and better together.”

“I know, Nick,” Sharon said. “But you need to stop being so possessive, so jealous, so controlling. We can be together without smothering each other. I think you need to take inventory of what you want out of life and whether or not the two of us are right for one another. And when we get back to Chicago, I think we need some time apart while you take stock of things.”

Written for Paula Light’s Three Things Challenge, where the three things are “fig,” “Cincinnati,” and “zipper.” And for these daily prompts: Ragtag Daily Prompt (peace), Your Daily Word Prompt (jealous), The Daily Spur (energetic), Word of the Day Challenge (nurture), and Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (inventory).

Bought the Farm

310b6e79-a568-4b68-87e5-2285a810b3b4.jpeg“Momma, why are we here in church today?” Ruth asked. “It’s not Sunday.”

“I know, sweetie,” Donna said, pulling a tissue out of her purse. “Honey, can you please take that bubblegum out of your mouth and put it in this tissue? You shouldn’t chew gum in church.”

“But why are we here in the middle of the week?” Ruth asked again.

“Because your Uncle Benny bought the farm, sweetie,” Donna said.

“Uncle Benny bought a farm,” Ruth squealed. “Can we go?”

“Shh,” Donna said, “we’re in church. ‘Bought the farm’ is an expression, sweetie. It means Uncle Benny died.”

Disappointed, Ruth looked at her mother. “Why didn’t you just say that he died?”

“I shouldn’t have used that idiom, Ruth,” her mother said. “I think it was originally an English expression that means died, but it was irreverent of me to use it in church.”

“So how did Uncle Benny die?” Ruth asked.

“Well, Aunt Mabel said he lost his footing while he was off doing some mountain climbing,” Donna said. “But Uncle Benny was a lush and a liar and it wouldn’t surprise me if he fell off of a bar stool at the local pub.”

Ruth started to giggle uncontrollably until she saw the dirty look the pastor was giving her.

“Let us kneel and pay to God Almighty,” the pastor said in a booming voice, “and ask to be forgiven for our sins and trespasses as we remember with fondness our dearly departed friend, Ben Flannigan, who was the victim of a freak accident.”

Donna grabbed Ruth’s hand as each tried hard to not crack up laughing.

Written for today’s Three Things Challenge from Paula Light, where the three things are “liar,” “bubblegum,” and “mountain.” Also for these daily prompts: Ragtag Daily Prompt (farm), Your Daily Word Prompt (original), Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (kneel), and Word of the Day Challenge (almighty).