Di, of Pensitivity101, is our host for Truthful Tuesday. This week Di wants to know:
What are your thoughts on the saying, “Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child”?
I admit that when my children were young, I would occasionally spank them. I don’t know who felt worse afterwards, the kid or me. I tried to limit spankings to the most egregious offenses, when they did something that could have harmed themselves or others. But there were other times when my patience with them had worn thin and something they did or said triggered a reaction in me that resulted in a spanking. I always felt very guilty when that happened, as it was more about me than about them.
I don’t know whether or not I’d characterize my kids as having been spoiled. I know my wife did everything we could, aside from the aforementioned occasional spankings, to give them what we thought they needed to grow into well-adjusted, happy, productive adults. We always put them first.
But fortunately, as I look back as objectively as possible on their lives (they both are in their forties), I don’t believe either was the child that Di described as “brats who got everything they wanted when they wanted it or cried and whined when they didn’t get it.”
This, That, and the Other 
I think there can be many effective ways to raise good humans. I couldn’t bear whiny brattiness and gave the occasional swat, which probably accomplished nothing, and my girls turned out fine. I had a friend who allowed her kids to be whiny brats, and they also turned into good, successful humans.
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I think a little discipline is always good. I don’t agree with beatings, but a spanking every now and then is ok, I think.
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I’m not against spanking entirely, but I like to avoid it.
As for the saying, it makes me uncomfortable. Too many people have gone too far with it, and many don’t realize there are those who don’t have any or much of a moderating mode whereby “spanking” doesn’t essentially equate to or become abuse.
Although I have spanked my kids, and was moderate, I have been livid if anyone else even thought about doing so. There was one occasion wherein a new neighbor family had a rule about not spitting, but a neighborish kid who was usually in town for the summers with a longer-term couple was holding one of my sons up by his head… so my son spat at him due to not being able to do anything else about it. I’m thinking we would never have had reason to hear of this rule but for this weird notional behavior to bully a younger boy. When I went to talk to the people at whose house this happened in their yard, the mom said her husband had thought about “tanning his hide” (sheesh); that of the spitter, not of the near man who was endangering someone’s neck. Certainly, I let these people know they didn’t have any go-ahead to discipline my child other than to tell him to leave if that’s all they could think through.
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Good response Fandango and it sounds like you and Mrs F got a good balance. I cannot remember my parents spanking either my sister or me, but Mum bit me for biting Sis. She was devastated when I bled and I have a tiny scar, but I never bit anyone again. My means of discipline was to withdraw privileges, and if the kid had done something really bad (like the youngest caught shop lifting) I made him tell his dad why the police had been round.
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The difference between discipline and punishment is the use of emotion to create the actions. Discipline never involves an emotional element.
Foster kids, especially teenagers, are likely to hit back when put in a situation of risk or physical abuse, but give them boundaries and relatable goals (purpose within the actions desired) and punishment doesn’t exist – it’s their choice to walk the (almost) straight line.
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I’m with you on the spanking, buddy. When it comes to it, the overriding feeling is that we failed as parents by getting to that point. But we can’t always reason with children.
I do feel now that my daughter was spoilt. It was borne out of our desire that she could have things that we never had, which I think is a noble idea but resulted in an unappreciative child. I regret that with her. I wish I’d given her less.
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I was spanked on a rare occasion (actually I remember it more from a birthday tradition, than getting into trouble) and it didn’t scar me. My daughter I think only got a slap on her hand and MAYBE one spanking and did fine. It is all in communication and respect… you have to actually talk to your kids and explain things, not just spank them and send them to bed without supper.
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