The Annual Physical Exam

“If you want to avoid having another heart attack,” Arnold’s cardiologist said, “you need to lose some weight, get more exercise, and cut way down on your sodium intake.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Doc,” Arnold said, “salt makes everything taste so much better. I ain’t gonna fuckin’ ditch salt. Without it, food tastes, well, lifeless and bland.”

“No need to be vulgar, Mr. Cooperman,” the doctor said. “I didn’t say you have to eliminate all salt, just cut back. I must insist, or the next time I see you, they might be wheeling you in on a slab.”

“I think that a salt-free diet being good for you is a spurious claim,” Arnold complained. “I swear, it’s like one of you so-called medical experts publishes some sort of study and then the rest of you jump on the bandwagon. It’s like you’re all guilty of plagiarism. And then another “expert” publishes a new study two years later that refutes the earlier study. So which is it, Doc? Is caffeine bad for you or not? What about wine? Okay or not okay? How about eggs? Should I be on a low carb diet or increase my intake of carbohydrates? Are you going to tell me at next year’s annual physical that I need more sodium in my diet because you read an article in the most recent issue of the New England Journal of Medicine?

“I’m sorry that you feel that way, Mr. Cooperman. Medical science is ever evolving, and as we learn new things, we adjust our recommendations when it comes to living a healthy life. I understand it can sometimes seem confusing.”

“Confusing? More like head-spinning,” Arnold said. “Doc, I think you’re all a bunch of quacks and I’d rather live my life on my terms than try to follow the bouncing ball of your medical science. That’s why I refuse to get vaccinated. I saw on Fox News that more people are dying from the COVID vaccinations than from the disease itself.”

“And if you heard it on Fox News, Mr. Cooperman, it must be true,” the doctor said. “Here, let me give you a prescription for Ivermectin. You can take the pill twice a day and wash it down with full glass of Clorox to which you’ve added half a cup of salt. That will protect you from COVID and will fix you right up.”

“Gee, thanks, Doc,” Arnold said.

“I was being facetious, Mr. Cooperman,” the doctor said. “Now, at the risk of being vulgar, get the fuck out of my office and don’t come back.”


Written for these daily prompts: The Daily Spur (sodium), Ragtag Daily Prompt (ditch), E.M.’s Random Word Prompt (lifeless), Your Daily Word Prompt (vulgar), Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (insist), Word of the Day Challenge (spurious), and My Vivid blog (plagiarism).

23 thoughts on “The Annual Physical Exam

  1. Lou Carreras January 28, 2022 / 1:28 pm

    One wonders has many practitioners are fantasizing a similar conversation with combative patient right now.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. newepicauthor January 28, 2022 / 1:53 pm

    My last blood test showed that my blood sugar went down to 5.9 on the A1C scale, which is the best results that I ever had, but my doctor said that now it is too low.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Gr8BigFun January 28, 2022 / 3:48 pm

    Sadly, a sign of the times. Unfortunately the people who cite these flip flopping of medical journals likely have never read one themselves and base there opinion on headlines, what they’ve heard from so called expert on social media or Joe Rogan’s podcast. Great read.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Marleen January 28, 2022 / 5:14 pm

    He’d have had a better standing to say doctors far and wide used to say oxy meds are not addictive. At least they worked, though, to get doctors and drug companies money. One of my pet peeves has been a widespread rumor that iceberg lettuce is worthless.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Marleen January 29, 2022 / 5:43 am

      I ignored doctors, for decades, who said to eat hydrogenated oil products. Funny, I went and got vaccinated without even asking my doctor about it. 🧐

      I didn’t hear, until last night, that there are Republicans out there saying people are literally dropping dead from the vaccine. Leave it to them to just be stupid.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Marleen January 29, 2022 / 3:28 pm

      Here We Go Again [more pandemics to come, says Gates]

      Liked by 1 person

  5. emkingston January 28, 2022 / 11:48 pm

    I love the sarcastic humor in this story. There are many Arnolds around, and they drive me insane lol! This was great! Thanks for including my prompt!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Fandango January 29, 2022 / 8:56 am

      I guess he did.

      Like

  6. JT Twissel January 29, 2022 / 11:01 am

    I’m sure that my doctor thinks I’m a pain in the butt, pardon my language! But I’ve lived long enough to know the things they say are bad for you changes like the wind. Moderation is the key.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Fandango January 29, 2022 / 4:06 pm

      Yes, everything in moderation.

      Like

  7. Marleen January 31, 2022 / 9:40 am

    Monoclonal Antibodies for COVID 19 Update: EUA Revoked

    Liked by 1 person

  8. leigha66 February 1, 2022 / 7:27 pm

    So, that is the curing prescription? Great story!

    Liked by 1 person

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