This, That, and the Other

“You see that young lady over there?” Jake asked his buddy, Steve.

“You mean that hot redhead sitting at the end of the bar?” Steve responded.

“Yeah, the one with the amazing figure,” Jake said.

“So, what about her?” Steve asked.

“Well, I figure that she’s gonna wind up in my bed tonight,” Jake bragged.

“Oh yeah?” said Steve. “How do you figure that?”

“I’m a master at picking up chicks in bars,” Jake said. “Watch and learn my friend.” And with that, Jake walked over to the redhead and introduced himself. “My name is Jake, sweetheart,” he said. “Can I buy you a drink?” he asked her.

She looked up at Jake. “I don’t know,” she said. “Can you?”

Jake chuckled. “Sorry, gammar girl, may I buy you a drink?”

“Sure, why not?” she said. “An appletini.”

“An appletini, huh?” Jake said. “Yeah, that figures.” Jake snapped his fingers to get the bartender’s attention. “An appletini for the lady and a vodka martini for me. Shaken not stirred,” he added.

The bartender rolled his eyes and went off to make the drinks. Jake turned back to the redhead. “With a figure like yours, honey, you must be a model. Am I right?”

“Well, I’m not a model but I am good with figures,” she said. “I’m an economist.”

“That’s impressive,” Jake said. “I’d never have figured you to be an economist. I have some money to invest. Can you give me any good tips?”

The bartender came over and set the drinks down in front of Jake and the woman. “Start a tab, barkeep,” Jake said.

“You want some good tips?” she said. “Okay, here’s a tip for you. Don’t walk up to a woman at a bar and call her ‘sweetheart’ and ‘honey.’ And if you figured you were going to get me to sleep with you tonight, you figured wrong. So thanks for the appletini. Now run back to your friend over there and tell him you blew it.”

The redhead sucked down the rest of her appletini and walked out of the bar. Jake dropped two twenties on the bar and headed back to the table where Steve was sporting a big grin. A dejected Jake sat down and Steve said, “I figure things didn’t go quite the way you figured they would.”

“Yeah,” Jake said, shaking his head. “Go figure.”

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Written for today’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt from Linda G. Hill. Linda asked us to “Use the word ‘figure’ any way you’d like.”