“Jesus, Diane, what the hell are you doing?” Elizabeth screamed when she and her boyfriend, Bill, walked into the apartment she and Diane shared. Diane was sitting at the dining room table. She was naked. Her head and the table, were covered with pea pods, along with a glass kettle of tea and a tea cup.
“Did you ever notice how fascinating pea pods are?” Diane said, without turning to look at Elizabeth. “They’re amazing, and when you open them up, all these little peas, like ball bearings, pop out and roll around on the table and drop to the floor.”
“Diane, why are you naked?” Elizabeth asked.
Diane turned her head and looked at Elizabeth and saw Bill standing next to her. “Bill,” Diane said, “You better not be looking at me, you perv.” And then she started laughing, returned her gaze to Elizabeth and said, “I was hot and sweaty so I stripped.”
“What are you drinking?” Elizabeth asked.
“I wanted some tea and found a bunch of tea bags in the very back of the cabinet so I brewed up a pot of it,” Diane said, “and this is the best tea I’ve ever had.”
Elizabeth went over to the trash basket under the sink and looked inside. She looked at Bill and said, “Four tea bags.”
“Oh my God,” Bill whispered. “She’s got to be stoned out of her mind. I’ll go get a towel.”
Bill returned from the bathroom with a large towel and handed it to Elizabeth, who draped it over Diane. “Sweetie,” Elizabeth said, “you’re high as a kite. The tea you used was something Bill and I picked up at the pot dispensary on Saturday. One bag is plenty potent for four people and you used four on your own. Come on, stand up, and let me get you into your bed.”
Diane stood up while Elizabeth wrapped her in the bath towel. Diane looked at Elizabeth and, with tears in her eyes, said, “Lizzy, you’re the best roommate in the whole world and I’m so lucky to have you as a friend.”
Elizabeth put her arm around Diane and started leading her toward Diane’s bedroom. But Diane abruptly stopped and started walking toward the kitchen, the towel Elizabeth had wrapped her in falling to the ground. “Diane, what are you doing?”
“I have the munchies and I saw some leftover key lime pie in the fridge,” Diane said. “Hey, perv,” she called out to Bill. “Wanna cut me off a piece of that pie?” she asked. “But keep your perv eyes closed. I’m naked as the day I was born.”
Bill, smiling, looked back at Elizabeth, shrugged his shoulders in gesture of helplessness, and said to Diane, “Sure, let’s all share some of that key lime pie.” Then he looked at Elizabeth and said, “Hey Lizzy, do you want some tea?”
Written for this week’s Photo Challenge from Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie, and for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (glass). Photo credit: Daniel Fehr.
You may be wondering what a malapropism is. It’s the use of an incorrect word in place of a word with a similar sound, resulting in a nonsensical, often humorous utterance. For example, someone who is always upbeat might describe himself as being an “internal optimist,” when he means “eternal optimist.” Or a skillful, innovative person might be characterized as being very “remorseful” instead of “resourceful.”
Each time this co-worker used that non-word, it was like he was scratching his fingernails along a chalkboard. (You remember chalkboards, right?) It sent shivers up and down my spine. It made my skin crawl. It was all I could do keep myself from jumping across the table, grabbing the guy by the throat, and screaming, “Stop saying ‘irregardless.’ That’s not a friggin’ word!” But I thought that might be a bit unprofessional of me.
Welcome to February 21, 2020 and to Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (aka, FOWC). It’s designed to fill the void after WordPress bailed on its daily one-word prompt.
This, That, and the Other 