For some reasons, some posts that usually show up in my Reader aren’t showing up lately. And one such post that didn’t show up was THIS one from Rory (aka, A Guy Named Bloke). So, since Rory always asks the weirdest of questions, I guess it’s better late than never for me to post my weirdest of answers.
1. Do you believe in the big guy in the red suit, long bushy white beard, and overhanging belly and reckons he can flit between chimneys like he’s Superman or summit?
Seriously? I don’t believe that God exists and you’re asking me if I believe that Santa Claus exists?
Oh wait. Are you asking about that big guy in the red suit with the long, bushy white beard and overhanging belly who I saw taking a leak on a tree in the park yesterday? Yeah, I do believe he exists. And he really smells bad, too.
2. How many times have you been bad this year, as in pranking, joking around, losing your temper and getting up to no good?
A better question would be how many times have I not been bad this year.
3. Are you always polite and squeaky clean? Dot your i’s and cross your T’s? Or like me don’t get bovvered with all that malarkey?
I don’t know how to answer this question because I have never heard of the word “bovvered” and I have no idea what it means to get bovvered about something.
But as to i’s and t’s, I am very persnickety when it comes to that malarkey. I always cross my eyes and dot my tease.
4. Are you a right ol’ whiner and moaner? I like a bit of wine meself if honest!
Are you asking if I whine or moan during sex? I’m sorry, but that’s none of your business. But according to my wife, I am a snorer.
Oh no. You’re asking about my consumption of alcoholic beverages, aren’t you? Well, I’m a bit of a teetotaler when it comes to alcohol. On the other hand, don’t ask me about pot-infused edibles. I don’t want to have to lie to you.
5. What’s the nicest thing you’ve done all this year? However mine is, what’s the sneakiest thing you have done?
I’m confused. Nicest or sneakiest? I’m a nice guy who does nice things all year long. And I’m not at all sneaky. (Hey, you’re not asking for character references, are you?)
6. How many people have you not upset this year with your sneakies and nortyness?
Nobody. Everybody. Hey, you can’t please all of the people all of the time, you know.
7. The other day Glubby turned up at the door an’ he wos wearing the most hideous cape and unmatching hat I had ever seen! EVER, now l told him that it was not just ugly but right Fugly! He was not best pleased. How would you ‘andle it, be truthful, lie or summit else?
I cannot tell a lie. I’d shoot him to put him and his fugly cape and hat out of my misery.
8. Whilst walkin’ in the street, you come across a fifty [of your currency] lying on the ground, whaddya do wif it?
I pick it up and then walk to the local liquor store and buy $50 worth of Powerball tickets.
9. Do you always do the best that you can for yourself? [Didn’t expect that question did ya?]
I do my best to do my best.
10. When you wos young and at that fing called school, how many detentions or stay behind after class did you end up with per week?
Me? Detention? No way. I just told you that I do my best to do my best. I was a scholar and a gentleman. The operative word being “was.”
11. You’re at the shop and the person in front of the till is 9 cents/pence short of their bill being paid, whaddya do …?
I hand him a dime and say, “Keep the change.”
12. A friend of yours after eating dinner or grub, has got a right ‘orrible stain on his/her shirt and hasn’t seen it and ‘as to go out to an important date, do you tell ’em?
I say something snide, like “Hey pal, you are what you eat, ya know what I mean?”
13. Are you a right proper prankster? Tell me your best Norty prank for 2018.
I told my wife I voted for Trump in 2016. The divorce should be final any day now.
14. Finally, do you cuss/curse/swear a lot?
Only when I see, hear, or read about that goddam fucking, shithead, sonovabitch, cocksucking asshole, Donald Trump, pardon my French.