Number Two

1C7B1692-B890-4987-9F7F-07690554C869You’re with your friends and you feel a dump coming on. How do you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom? Do you just stand up, say “excuse me,” and leave the room? Or do you have another way of announcing that you need to heed nature’s call?

My go-to expression is to say “I need to see a man about a horse.” I know that makes no sense, but that’s my signal to everyone that it’s, um, pony time? I might also announce that “it’s time for my mid-morning sit down.” Or mid-afternoon or whatever time of day it happens to be.

My other, more 21st century expression is “I need to go check the latest news,” since I never have my sit downs anymore without bringing my iPhone with me. I’ll stay there, seated and reading my iPhone, until my butt cheeks start to tingle.

My son usually tells us that “the buffaloes are at the gate.” My wife and daughter, however, make no announcements. They just stand up and disappear for a few minutes and then return, seemingly no one else the wiser (or so they hope).

So what about you? When in the company of others and the need to use the bathroom hits you, do you just get up and leave the room for a few minutes, or do you somehow announce your departure? If so, what do you typically say? And be honest — do you take your smartphone with you? Or a book or magazine?

Inquiring minds want to know.


27 thoughts on “Number Two

  1. The Haunted Wordsmith December 13, 2018 / 2:25 pm

    Well, no one ever comes over to my house and I don’t go over to others’ houses. My son (keep in mind there are only two of us in the house and one bathroom) used to announce “I’m going to the bathroom” up until about two years ago. When I am out I will say I need to go spend a penny. My son gets it…lol

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nova December 13, 2018 / 2:30 pm

    Lmao. My girls and I just say to each other I need to go 💩💩💩. Hahaha

    Liked by 1 person

  3. cagedunn December 13, 2018 / 2:31 pm

    The library ‘off to the library for a tic’ – my other half even has shelves in there! but nothing electronic (unless the favoured sports are on the radio).

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Cyranny December 13, 2018 / 2:33 pm

    I am not original, I usually just say I am going to the bathroom without being specific about what I’ll be doing there. I like being mysterious, LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  5. pensitivity101 December 13, 2018 / 2:40 pm

    When you gotta go, you gotta go. We usually say ‘it’s time for a moment’ at home but to be honest, it’s rare we have to use the bathroom when we’re out visiting, and public loos are a definite no-no unless it can’t possibly be avoided..

    Liked by 2 people

    • Fandango December 13, 2018 / 4:46 pm

      Trevor? What’s the story behind that?


  6. theministryofshrawleywalks December 13, 2018 / 3:37 pm

    Sending friends to the coast was of course a favourite in the past , but now “I’ve got a mole at the counter” seems much more appropriate, google it and open yourself top to a world of Roger’s Profanosaurus (spelling may be a bit off)

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Paula Light December 13, 2018 / 5:10 pm

    What? I never heard of any of this lunacy! I just say I’m going to the restroom/bathroom or excuse me/be right back. At work we say “going down the hall” bc that’s where the restrooms are, as opposed to “going downstairs” where the mailroom and café are.

    Off to the Profanosaurus!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Sadje December 13, 2018 / 5:34 pm

    Interesting ways of saying that you need to use the restroom. I would only say that when I am out of the house, and am with someone. Have no need to tell others when at home. And yes the phone goes every where!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Willow December 13, 2018 / 5:37 pm

    I must answer the call of nature… or I shall be indisposed for a while, or… I need to go and I need to go now… depending on the urgency of the situation.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. ArtisanX December 13, 2018 / 7:03 pm

    Very simply “I gotta Poop”. People know. If not before, definitely after.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. All About Life December 13, 2018 / 11:23 pm

    I don’t really feel that it’s something I need to announce or anyone else needs to know ;O) x

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Marleen December 14, 2018 / 12:14 am

    I take nothing to read or look at or do in the restroom. I’m not there (or going there) to hang out or snooze. I’m with those who indicated, in earlier posts, simple signals (like, I’m going down the hall or I’ll be right back) or nothing. Or there is the option of asking where the restroom is or if the bathroom was noticed when walking in. Excuse me is good.

    I worked in a health food store (not like a GNC, more a specialty foods place) for over a year in an old building with a restroom in the basement. I think I used the restroom once the whole time I was there. No one ever asked me to clean it either. I didn’t think about the fact no one was asking me that at the time. But I’m glad looking back.

    It might have been a managers’ duty. I remember someone who was hired at about the same time as I was making up some story at one point, apparently to try and get a promotion over me. I was sort of like so what. If she wanted to get ahead that way, it was sad but so be it. I had taken the job with the intention of filling in for a new mom.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. LifeAmazing December 14, 2018 / 12:55 am

    What a funny topic. Other half says ‘touching cloth’, the rest of us don’t really make any announcements and just slip off quietly.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. leigha66 December 22, 2018 / 4:02 pm

    Have to go to the bathroom or occasionally the little girls room (my mom used to say that). Very rarely do I take my phone with me.

    Liked by 1 person

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