Hello? This is President Donald J. Trump speaking.
Oh, Vladimir, my friend, I’m so glad you called. Yes, everything is proceeding nicely according to plan.
Thank you, Vlad. I agree that I’ve done well with respect to the G7, NATO, the EU, and the trade wars. I see that those alliances are starting to crack. It shouldn’t take too much longer.
Yes, you were great at Helsinki. I think the world can see clearly what a great leader you really are, believe me.
Oh no, don’t worry about the Mueller probe. I’ve got half of America believing this whole collusion thing is a hoax. And all of the negative stuff on the news, well, my supporters are buying this whole “fake news” crap and that the mainstream media is their real enemy. My supporters are behind me bigly, Vlad. One hundred percent.
What’s that? Oh, right. Yes, Eric, Don Jr., and I are retweeting all of those Russia-backed tweets, just like you wanted us to do. It’s definitely working to sew the seeds of division and discontent. Between that and what your hacker teams are doing to interfere with the midterm elections and to smear the Democratic candidates, I don’t think we need to worry about any big blue wave in November.
And Vlad, You made a good call to not release that pee-pee tape of me you made at the Moscow Ritz-Carlton. Hey, you really got me good with that one, comrade. Ha ha!
No, I’m not concerned about Manafort or Cohen. I’ve got Giuliani all over Fox News spreading the word that they are liars and thugs. Yes, I know. People really are falling for it. They are even believing me when I tell them that you don’t want Trump because no one’s been tougher on Russia than Trump. They’re even buying that bullshit about how Russia is trying to help the Democrats.
Yes, you’re right, Vlad, Americans are suckers.
Okay, fine. That sounds good. It was great talking with you. Call me next week with further orders and I’ll give you an update on our progress on making Russia — I mean America — great again.
Written for Linda G. Hill’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt. The instructions are to use the word “call” or any word that contains those letters in that order.