Udder Nonsense

I drink 2% milk. My wife drinks flax milk, her brother drinks soy milk, my daughter drinks almond milk, and even my son drinks coconut milk occasionally. Different strokes for different folks, right?

Well, that’s not what America’s dairy farmers think. The National Milk Producers Federation, which represents the dairy farmers, objects to calling anything but milk that comes from a cow “milk.” The dairy farmers apparently believe that these other so-called “milk” products are confusing consumers. What? You mean almond milk doesn’t come from cows? Who knew?

As silly as this is, a group of 32 members of Congress, many of them from big milk-producing states, have sent a letter to the Food and Drug Administration calling on the FDA to order manufacturers of plant-based drinks to find some other name besides “milk.”

The letter points out that the FDA already has a legal definition of milk as something that comes from a mammary gland. These congressmen are simply asking the FDA basically to enforce its own regulation.

So I’ve come up with a plan to rename those “milks” that don’t come from a cow’s mammary gland.

From this day forward, let it be known that:

  • Coconut Milk shall be called Coconut Juice
  • Soy Milk shall be called Soy Squeeze
  • Flax Milk shall be called Flax Fluid
  • Almond Milk shall be called Almond Jizz

I think my suggested alternative names for these non-mammary liquids will effectively address any confusion we consumers are apparently having.

Don’t you?

34 thoughts on “Udder Nonsense

  1. Suze July 22, 2018 / 3:07 pm

    why does anyone actually care? people that drink the alternative stuff are not confused. People that drink cow juice are not confused. Sounds like it is just the elected officials that have difficulty to me………lol I like your new names for the assorted liquids.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Fandango July 22, 2018 / 4:33 pm

      Hey, Congress has to address this matter. It’s a high priority, right?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. pensitivity101 July 22, 2018 / 3:09 pm

    If they’re used, you’ll make a pint….. I mean mint. Hope you’ve patented them!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sight11 July 22, 2018 / 3:13 pm

    I drink milk, but lately I’m thinking of switching to alternatives. The only thing that’s holding me back is the taste. What if I don’t like it. I’m the kind of person who never ever give second chances when it comes to food. So what’s your take Sensei. Should I stick with the real thing?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Fandango July 22, 2018 / 4:37 pm

      It’s a matter of personal taste, so you should sample some alternatives to see if you like them.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Marilyn Armstrong July 22, 2018 / 4:37 pm

    I’m okay with only animal-produced milk because a lot of those “other” milks aren’t milk or anything like it. But there’s also goat’s milk, which is definitely milk and used to make yogurt and some kinds of ice cream, so that ALSO needs to be milk. But yeah, if it’s ground up almonds, it ain’t milk.

    Personally, I loathe milk but they have a point.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Fandango July 22, 2018 / 7:34 pm

      But it works just like milk and it’s used just like milk, but it’s made from almonds or soy or rice or coconut. It would be one thing if they just labeled it “milk,” but it’s almond or soy or coconut milk. No one thinks they’re cow’s milk or goat’s, so what’s the big deal if the call it almond milk?


  5. Kenneth T. July 22, 2018 / 6:05 pm

    Why not call it what it is; coconut water, soy water, almond water, etc etc

    Liked by 1 person

    • Fandango July 22, 2018 / 7:37 pm

      And why not call it coconut milk, soy milk, almond milk, etc. people use it just like they use cow’s milk more than they use it like water. And no one confuses almond milk with cow’s milk unless they are really stupid. It’s much ado about nothing.


      • Irene July 22, 2018 / 8:26 pm

        Water is technically the liquid form of H2O, so the American Hydrophile Society might object (Just kidding). But seriously, for example, coconut water and coconut milk are not the same; the first is clear and the latter is, well, um … milky!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Kenneth T. July 22, 2018 / 10:30 pm

        Now that it’s set in stone… change is hard.

        If we don’t care about the simple things we will care less about the bigger issues.

        But seriously coconut water has already be adopted by a “drink” and besides, would people have been so accepting of soy water or almond water (putting it on their cereal – which was designed for a “milk” product), back in the day?

        btw, Soy products are NOT very healthy anyway, and I’m sure this soy milk is no different. And I’ll bet coconut milk has very little “coconut” in it, I know almond milk doesn’t.

        People AREN’T getting what the are told they are.

        And for the record, I don’t drink milk (fake or real), I stopped doing that a loooong time ago


        • Fandango July 22, 2018 / 11:07 pm

          If people purchase a product called Almond Milk or Soy Milk or Coconut Milk and don’t recognize that it doesn’t come from a cow, they are stupid. But then 7% of Americans believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows, so there’s that.

          Liked by 1 person

  6. ArtisanX July 22, 2018 / 6:23 pm

    I think you had it when you described the category.. NoMamMilk. Or another – McDonalds Shake (There is no milk in those either… In fact no one really knows what white stuff they use.. So once the name is figured you have to have the following slogan. {NoMamMilk) – The other white drink 😛

    Liked by 1 person

  7. leigha66 July 26, 2018 / 8:12 pm

    I think dairy farmers are basically just worried about their business. If these companies promote their products as “equal” to cow’s milk, it makes people more likely to try them as just as healthy. But especially almond milk has a lot of added sugar or the kind I tried did. I see nothing wrong with calling it all milk, but can see why farmers are concerned. I love your alternate names!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Marleen August 2, 2018 / 6:37 am

    Quote: A resolution to encourage breast-feeding was expected to be approved quickly and easily by the hundreds of government delegates who gathered this spring in Geneva for the United Nations-affiliated World Health Assembly.

    Based on decades of research, the resolution says that mother’s milk is healthiest for children and countries should strive to limit the inaccurate or misleading marketing of breast milk substitutes.

    Then the United States delegation, embracing the interests of infant formula manufacturers, upended the deliberations.

    American officials sought to water down the resolution by removing language that called on governments to “protect, promote and support breast-feeding” and another passage that called on policymakers to restrict the promotion of food products that many experts say can have deleterious effects on young children.

    When that failed, they turned to threats, according to diplomats and government officials who took part in the discussions. Ecuador, which had planned to introduce the measure, was the first to find itself in the cross hairs.

    The Americans were blunt: If Ecuador refused to drop the resolution, Washington would unleash punishing trade measures and withdraw crucial military aid. The Ecuadorean government quickly acquiesced.


    [This article goes on quite a bit longer.]

    Liked by 1 person

      • Marleen August 2, 2018 / 7:04 pm

        Yes, indeed. (I forgot this milk topic is found in the humor section.)


  9. Marleen August 3, 2018 / 9:28 pm

    It’s not funny, and I didn’t mean it to be, but it demonstrates the constant irony (to discern one of the most unpleasant forms of it) coming out of the current administration. Similarly, our Secretary of State presented a report saying children separated from parents are much more vulnerable to human trafficking — during the ongoing intentional separations.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Fandango August 3, 2018 / 9:40 pm

      I know. And Ivanka referred to the separation of children from their parents as the low point in her father’s administration, but did she do something about it? Of course not.


      • Marleen August 4, 2018 / 12:13 am

        Ivanka also talked about her mother coming here legally… which her mother didn’t in fact do… except she did come here white (the equivalent in some minds).

        Liked by 1 person

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